Beauty Industry Announces Massive New Initiative To Make Women Self-Conscious About Their Palms

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Vol 50 Issue 03

Jay Z Honored To Be Nominated In Same Category As Jay Z

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he was thrilled to be considered alongside such a talented and respected musician, hip-hop artist and 2014 Best Rap Album Grammy nominee Jay Z told reporters today that he feels “deeply honored” to be nominated in...

Lunchbox Mostly Medication

Inclement weather prevents a liar from getting to work, thousands of athletes who will disgrace their country eagerly train for the Winter Olympics, and a lunchbox is mostly medication.

Mascot Absolutely Reeks

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying that they probably never clean the thing, sources confirmed Friday that Syracuse University’s mascot Otto the Orange absolutely reeked as he wove his way in and out of stands.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Beauty Industry Announces Massive New Initiative To Make Women Self-Conscious About Their Palms

NEW YORK—In what numerous brands are calling a potentially lucrative new strategy, the beauty and cosmetics industry this week launched a massive initiative aimed at convincing women to feel self-conscious about the palms of their hands. “Nothing says youth and beauty like smooth, silky palms, and our new line of Palm Perfection products ensures that women everywhere can wave to the world with confidence,” L’Oréal executives said of the company’s new release, one of dozens of recently launched beauty campaigns designed to make women feel deeply and profoundly ashamed of their palms by obsessively scrutinizing every aspect of their size, shape, and texture. “Women won’t believe how different their palms look and feel after just a week of using Palm Perfection. They’ll wonder how they ever went outside without it.” At press time, revenue reports indicated that the beauty campaign was one of the most successful in recent history with over 3.4 million women mortified.

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