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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Beauty Industry To Consumers: ‘You Like Short Hair Now’

NEW YORK—Explaining that the change in aesthetic preference would take effect immediately, executives from every major beauty industry company held a press conference Monday in which they told consumers “You like short hair now.” “You find short hair stylish and desirable now, and it is the kind of hair you want to have,” said L’Oreal spokesperson Bernard St. Jean, speaking on behalf of scores of cosmetics companies and beauty product purveyors as photos of women with short hair and captions reading “Women you wish to look like” cycled on a projection screen behind him. “The hair you like now is straight and closely cropped. It has some bounce. You like that it looks this way and want your hair to look the same way. It is not long hair—you don’t like long hair anymore.” St. Jean then closed his remarks by reminding consumers that they continue not to like how their faces look and wish to make them look better.

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