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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Beauty Industry To Consumers: ‘You Like Short Hair Now’

NEW YORK—Explaining that the change in aesthetic preference would take effect immediately, executives from every major beauty industry company held a press conference Monday in which they told consumers “You like short hair now.” “You find short hair stylish and desirable now, and it is the kind of hair you want to have,” said L’Oreal spokesperson Bernard St. Jean, speaking on behalf of scores of cosmetics companies and beauty product purveyors as photos of women with short hair and captions reading “Women you wish to look like” cycled on a projection screen behind him. “The hair you like now is straight and closely cropped. It has some bounce. You like that it looks this way and want your hair to look the same way. It is not long hair—you don’t like long hair anymore.” St. Jean then closed his remarks by reminding consumers that they continue not to like how their faces look and wish to make them look better.

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