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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Beauty Industry To Consumers: ‘You Like Short Hair Now’

NEW YORK—Explaining that the change in aesthetic preference would take effect immediately, executives from every major beauty industry company held a press conference Monday in which they told consumers “You like short hair now.” “You find short hair stylish and desirable now, and it is the kind of hair you want to have,” said L’Oreal spokesperson Bernard St. Jean, speaking on behalf of scores of cosmetics companies and beauty product purveyors as photos of women with short hair and captions reading “Women you wish to look like” cycled on a projection screen behind him. “The hair you like now is straight and closely cropped. It has some bounce. You like that it looks this way and want your hair to look the same way. It is not long hair—you don’t like long hair anymore.” St. Jean then closed his remarks by reminding consumers that they continue not to like how their faces look and wish to make them look better.

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