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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Beekeeper Slowly Becoming Bee Hoarder

TULSA, OK—Neighbors of 68-year-old Eugenia Holmes said Monday that they fear that the veteran beekeeper has slowly transformed her once-disciplined passion for apiculture into out-and-out bee hoarding. "Every square inch of Holmes' place is stacked floor-to-ceiling with hives, smokers, netting, honeycombs, and swarm upon swarm of bees," said neighbor Dick Uckelman, who alerted Tulsa police after noticing a 12-foot wide, three-inch deep honey slick oozing into the street from under the foundation of Holmes' house. "I'm worried she may become one of those 'crazy bee ladies' you hear about." While bee hoarding is not illegal in and of itself, complaints of buzzing, stings, and rampant cross-pollination in Holmes' neighborhood are up nearly 200 percent from last year.

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