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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony Gives Man Idea To Be Genius Of Some Sort

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Suddenly struck by inspiration as he listened to the legendary German composer’s seminal masterpiece, local man Ben Hastings reported Monday that hearing Ludwig van Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony had given him the idea to become a genius of some sort. “A few minutes into listening to that thing and it just hit me: I should become a peerless virtuoso whose transcendent contributions to my field leave an indelible mark on history,” said the 34-year-old, who after taking in the fourth movement of what is considered by many to be the greatest work in the Western classical music canon reportedly came to the conclusion that he too should make some kind of timeless work of art or scientific breakthrough that will be revered and studied for generations. “Beethoven’s symphony really opened me up to the idea of being a world-renowned genius. I think that creating something so visionary that it becomes an inextricable part of human culture while placing me in the pantheon of cultural luminaries from Leonardo da Vinci to Steve Jobs could definitely be my thing, but pioneering a new, groundbreaking school of thought would be pretty awesome, too. Maybe I could revolutionize sculpture or physics or something.” After learning from his Wikipedia page that Beethoven started losing his hearing at age 28, Hastings reportedly came up with a plan to also overcome something.


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