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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony Gives Man Idea To Be Genius Of Some Sort

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Suddenly struck by inspiration as he listened to the legendary German composer’s seminal masterpiece, local man Ben Hastings reported Monday that hearing Ludwig van Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony had given him the idea to become a genius of some sort. “A few minutes into listening to that thing and it just hit me: I should become a peerless virtuoso whose transcendent contributions to my field leave an indelible mark on history,” said the 34-year-old, who after taking in the fourth movement of what is considered by many to be the greatest work in the Western classical music canon reportedly came to the conclusion that he too should make some kind of timeless work of art or scientific breakthrough that will be revered and studied for generations. “Beethoven’s symphony really opened me up to the idea of being a world-renowned genius. I think that creating something so visionary that it becomes an inextricable part of human culture while placing me in the pantheon of cultural luminaries from Leonardo da Vinci to Steve Jobs could definitely be my thing, but pioneering a new, groundbreaking school of thought would be pretty awesome, too. Maybe I could revolutionize sculpture or physics or something.” After learning from his Wikipedia page that Beethoven started losing his hearing at age 28, Hastings reportedly came up with a plan to also overcome something.


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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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