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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony Gives Man Idea To Be Genius Of Some Sort

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Suddenly struck by inspiration as he listened to the legendary German composer’s seminal masterpiece, local man Ben Hastings reported Monday that hearing Ludwig van Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony had given him the idea to become a genius of some sort. “A few minutes into listening to that thing and it just hit me: I should become a peerless virtuoso whose transcendent contributions to my field leave an indelible mark on history,” said the 34-year-old, who after taking in the fourth movement of what is considered by many to be the greatest work in the Western classical music canon reportedly came to the conclusion that he too should make some kind of timeless work of art or scientific breakthrough that will be revered and studied for generations. “Beethoven’s symphony really opened me up to the idea of being a world-renowned genius. I think that creating something so visionary that it becomes an inextricable part of human culture while placing me in the pantheon of cultural luminaries from Leonardo da Vinci to Steve Jobs could definitely be my thing, but pioneering a new, groundbreaking school of thought would be pretty awesome, too. Maybe I could revolutionize sculpture or physics or something.” After learning from his Wikipedia page that Beethoven started losing his hearing at age 28, Hastings reportedly came up with a plan to also overcome something.


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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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