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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Before-And-After Airbrushing Image Alerts Fashion Industry To Evil Of Its Ways

NEW YORK—The entire fashion industry entered a severe crisis of conscience on Thursday after an online image revealed the manipulation of a photograph to enhance a model’s apparent youth and beauty. “My God…all these years. What savagery have we been perpetrating upon women’s self-esteem?” shouted graphics editor Mitch Collins of Elle magazine moments after viewing the side-by-side comparison of the original session photo with an altered version in which wrinkles were erased, the waist narrowed, and legs elongated. “We’ve concocted an unattainable standard of outer beauty and tacitly pressured women everywhere to conform to it at all costs. We’re monsters.” In response to the exposé, all major fashion companies have withdrawn their entire spring lines, donated all 2013 profits to charity, and shut down operations in order to personally apologize to every woman who has suffered because of their “barbaric photo editing.”

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