Before He Knows What's Happening, Man Belongs To $uper $aver's Club

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Before He Knows What's Happening, Man Belongs To $uper $aver's Club

ALTOONA, PA—Will Zimmerman stepped into a local supermarket Monday to purchase a pint of half-and-half, but before he could fully comprehend the situation, the 28-year-old repairman was a member of the Feltz Foods $uper $aver's Club.

A still-dazed Zimmerman poses with $uper $aver's Club card in hand.

"Yeah, I've got the card right here in my wallet," said a pale and dazed Zimmerman as he revealed the 3"x2" laminated induction into the $uper $aver family. "I guess I'm supposed to present it at any Feltz Supermarket for super savings."

Zimmerman, addressing a sudden shortage of creamer in the Altoona Advance Heating & Cooling breakroom, drove to the Highmarket Road Feltz and at 2:26 p.m. selected a pint of half-and-half from the dairy case without incident. He approached one of the checkout aisles at 2:28 p.m.

"I took out my wallet, and the girl at the register asked if I had a $uper $aver's card," Zimmerman said. "She must have interpreted my pause as a 'no,' because she started telling me all this stuff about the $uper $aver's Club."

The cashier, 22-year-old Dorothy Salgado, recited a standard description of the benefits of joining the $uper $aver's Club.

"Besides being able to take advantage of bigger discounts than non-cardholders, you can receive advance information on monthly specials, free check-cashing privileges, and the ability to participate in Double Coupon Tuesdays," Salgado said she told Zimmerman. "Best of all, there's no cost to join."

Zimmerman can recall neither agreeing nor disagreeing to join.

"I heard 'discounts' and 'no cost to join,'" he said. "Then it gets fuzzy. The only thing I remember is the girl shoving a form and ballpoint pen in my hand and directing me away from her register."

A surveillance tape released by Feltz Foods confirms Zimmerman's recollection. At 2:30 p.m., he is seen leaving the checkout aisle and approaching the service desk.

"I didn't really want to fill out a long form because I had to get back to work, but the lady [Feltz Foods supervisor Joyce Epps] said it would just take a couple minutes and it was worth the time," Zimmerman said.

Zimmerman described the subsequent events as a "whirlwind of signing and laminating."
"I recall being told to fill out my address and phone number, and to 'press down hard,'" Zimmerman said. "Then I was given this little laminated card. No, wait—first I signed the card, then she laminated it. I'm sorry, it all happened so fast."

New card and half-and-half carton in hand, Zimmerman was told by Epps to return to the checkout aisle. More confusion followed.

"The half-and-half rang up at its regular price," Zimmerman said. "I asked if I got a discount, and [Salgado] said no, because the half-and-half wasn't a $uper $aver's Club Special Of The Week. So I asked why she made me join the $uper $aver's Club, and she said she didn't make me join anything."

Zimmerman's supervisor, Jack Thiele, noted his employee's state when Zimmerman returned to work at 2:44 p.m.

"The color was drained from his face, and when I asked what was wrong, he mumbled something about a laminated card and 'they charged me full price,'" Thiele said. "I said that's it—no more ducking out of the office to get half-and-half or gum or whatever the hell."
Supermarket analyst Mark Ludovic said that while Zimmerman's case is extreme, customers, especially those with work or family concerns on their minds, are often unprepared for the opportunity to save.

"When you enter Feltz Foods or any other supermarket chain, you should be aware that discounts can occur without warning," Ludovic said. "Often, these supermarkets play by their own rules, such as claiming to honor the lower prices of competitors when they are only referring to advertised prices. Unless you feel you can fully comprehend the fine print and are capable of membership in a savings club, the best way to handle these situations is to politely decline any offers and calmly exit the store. Saving a few cents on kidney beans is not worth the stress and bewilderment."

In the wake of the incident, Zimmerman remains unsure of whether he'll ever use his Feltz $uper $aver's card.

"I usually shop at Goodall's Grocery near my apartment," Zimmerman said. "It's more convenient. I don't think they have a savings club, either. God, I hope they don't."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close