Before He Knows What's Happening, Man Belongs To $uper $aver's Club

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Vol 39 Issue 27

Judge Totally Understands Where Defendant Is Coming From

CONCORDIA, MO—During a domestic-dispute case on Monday, Judge Peter Spiveck ruled that he could totally understand where 32-year-old defendant Samuel Werton was coming from. "Man, I totally hear what you're saying," said Spiveck, moments before handing down a sentence. "If my old lady stayed out drinking until 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd be tempted to run her over with the Dodge myself. But, dude, you can't do that. You've got to learn to keep it under control, see." Spiveck then warmly patted Werton on the shoulder and sentenced him to 90 days in the Lafayette County Lockup.

Late-Working CEO Calls Out For Coffee In Vain

NEW YORK—While pulling a late-nighter at the office, Verizon Communications CEO Ivan Seidenberg repeatedly called out for coffee Tuesday despite being the only person in the building. "Would somebody please bring me some coffee?" shouted Seidenberg from his desk at approximately 11:30 p.m. "I need a cup of coffee—with two sugars. Dolores? Janice? Coffee?" Seidenberg alternated his requests for coffee with announcements that printer tray number two was out of paper.

Pen Pal Becomes Pen Foe

CHUGWATER, WY—In light of their recent antagonistic correspondence, 8-year-old Ryan Werther has decided that 7-year-old Trenton, NJ, resident Dashiell Kudia has changed from his pen pal to his pen foe. "You wer [sic] so wrong when you said the Fairly Oddparents are as good as Spongebob," Kudia penned in a letter Werther received Monday. "You can go jump off a brij [sic] for all I care because you are no longer my friend." Kudia's letter ended with a tersely written "So there."

Kraft Goes On A Diet

Kraft Foods recently announced it will join the fught against obesity by cutting portion sizes and altering recipes of many its top products. What other changes is the company planning?

Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline

AQABA, JORDAN—In an agreement that marks a key first step in the Mideast news-piece process, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and new Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas pledged to share a two-state Israeli and Palestinian headline Monday.

A Second Dose of Angels? I Must Be In Heaven!

Item! Are you "2" pumped to see Charlie's Angels 2: Full Frontal? In light of all the super-duds in this blockbuster summer, I sure was. I needed a dose of Drew Barrymore more than ever, with the one-two punch of Lucy Loo and the beautiful but deadly Carmen Diaz. And, just when I thought I couldn't take any more, I got Moore... Demi Moore! Let me tell you, she kicked "2" much butt all over the screen.
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Before He Knows What's Happening, Man Belongs To $uper $aver's Club

ALTOONA, PA—Will Zimmerman stepped into a local supermarket Monday to purchase a pint of half-and-half, but before he could fully comprehend the situation, the 28-year-old repairman was a member of the Feltz Foods $uper $aver's Club.

A still-dazed Zimmerman poses with $uper $aver's Club card in hand.

"Yeah, I've got the card right here in my wallet," said a pale and dazed Zimmerman as he revealed the 3"x2" laminated induction into the $uper $aver family. "I guess I'm supposed to present it at any Feltz Supermarket for super savings."

Zimmerman, addressing a sudden shortage of creamer in the Altoona Advance Heating & Cooling breakroom, drove to the Highmarket Road Feltz and at 2:26 p.m. selected a pint of half-and-half from the dairy case without incident. He approached one of the checkout aisles at 2:28 p.m.

"I took out my wallet, and the girl at the register asked if I had a $uper $aver's card," Zimmerman said. "She must have interpreted my pause as a 'no,' because she started telling me all this stuff about the $uper $aver's Club."

The cashier, 22-year-old Dorothy Salgado, recited a standard description of the benefits of joining the $uper $aver's Club.

"Besides being able to take advantage of bigger discounts than non-cardholders, you can receive advance information on monthly specials, free check-cashing privileges, and the ability to participate in Double Coupon Tuesdays," Salgado said she told Zimmerman. "Best of all, there's no cost to join."

Zimmerman can recall neither agreeing nor disagreeing to join.

"I heard 'discounts' and 'no cost to join,'" he said. "Then it gets fuzzy. The only thing I remember is the girl shoving a form and ballpoint pen in my hand and directing me away from her register."

A surveillance tape released by Feltz Foods confirms Zimmerman's recollection. At 2:30 p.m., he is seen leaving the checkout aisle and approaching the service desk.

"I didn't really want to fill out a long form because I had to get back to work, but the lady [Feltz Foods supervisor Joyce Epps] said it would just take a couple minutes and it was worth the time," Zimmerman said.

Zimmerman described the subsequent events as a "whirlwind of signing and laminating."
"I recall being told to fill out my address and phone number, and to 'press down hard,'" Zimmerman said. "Then I was given this little laminated card. No, wait—first I signed the card, then she laminated it. I'm sorry, it all happened so fast."

New card and half-and-half carton in hand, Zimmerman was told by Epps to return to the checkout aisle. More confusion followed.

"The half-and-half rang up at its regular price," Zimmerman said. "I asked if I got a discount, and [Salgado] said no, because the half-and-half wasn't a $uper $aver's Club Special Of The Week. So I asked why she made me join the $uper $aver's Club, and she said she didn't make me join anything."

Zimmerman's supervisor, Jack Thiele, noted his employee's state when Zimmerman returned to work at 2:44 p.m.

"The color was drained from his face, and when I asked what was wrong, he mumbled something about a laminated card and 'they charged me full price,'" Thiele said. "I said that's it—no more ducking out of the office to get half-and-half or gum or whatever the hell."
Supermarket analyst Mark Ludovic said that while Zimmerman's case is extreme, customers, especially those with work or family concerns on their minds, are often unprepared for the opportunity to save.

"When you enter Feltz Foods or any other supermarket chain, you should be aware that discounts can occur without warning," Ludovic said. "Often, these supermarkets play by their own rules, such as claiming to honor the lower prices of competitors when they are only referring to advertised prices. Unless you feel you can fully comprehend the fine print and are capable of membership in a savings club, the best way to handle these situations is to politely decline any offers and calmly exit the store. Saving a few cents on kidney beans is not worth the stress and bewilderment."

In the wake of the incident, Zimmerman remains unsure of whether he'll ever use his Feltz $uper $aver's card.

"I usually shop at Goodall's Grocery near my apartment," Zimmerman said. "It's more convenient. I don't think they have a savings club, either. God, I hope they don't."

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