adBlockCheck

Behold The Magic Flying Man

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Behold The Magic Flying Man

Meet Delta Pilot Frank Gartley

People of the Earth! Raise your gaze skyward and BEHOLD! Soaring above you on magical wings of purest silver flies Frank Gartley, the Magic Flying Man! Across the country, over every hill and dale, he takes the wind as his own and lets slip the sundry grasp of gravity! He flies high, he flies free, and he flies alone, as a bird, as a sunbeam, nay, verily, even as a God! Delta Airlines pilot and father of four Frank Gartley, 41, has mastered the powers of flight! Behold the magical wonderment that is the Magic Flying Man!

“It’s really nothing special,” says Gartley with the characteristic modesty and good-natured unselfishness traditionally associated with benevolent supernatural beings in the guise of mortals. “I’m just a guy with a job to do, and I try to do it with a smile.”

Though he may downplay his importance, the facts of the matter are undeniable and shine true! He is the Miraculous Flying Man, who marshals magical forces beyond our comprehension to take wing and FLY! And what’s more, should fortune smile upon you, you just might be lucky enough to go with him, soaring miles above the earth on a thrill-packed journey to the clouds!

“We put safety first,” Gartley says, describing his amazing voyages through the ether. “But we always do our best to ensure that each passenger is comfortable and enjoys his flight.”

Small wonder it is indeed that passengers should enjoy themselves, when they are in the presence of the mightiest Wizard this earth has ever known!

Behold Gartley ’s powers! Within his great Temple of the Silver Bird, an enormous statue carved in the likeness of a giant winged beast, there lie many wonders strange and terrible! In Gartley’s special chamber, just behind the mighty bird’s eyes, he surveys all!

Soon all the worshippers will fill the Temple’s halls as he prepares to shake loose the hold of earth! Though in the Temple Gartley is called captain, in the hearts of every man, woman and child seated here he is Mighty Wizard Gartley, Master of the Wind! His magic knows no end! Look ye on his works!

“Okay, folks, this is Captain Gartley, and I’ll be your pilot today. We are presently preparing for take-off, so please fasten your seatbelts and place all seat-backs and tray tables in their upright, locked positions...”

So does the Mighty Gartley prepare for his miracles, intoning his magic words with a quiet, confident tone, reciting the litany that will bring Flight! Behold! With a mere twist of a knob, his voice is instantly carried to every room in his chambers, heard by all, though the magic man himself cannot be seen!

With a touch of his glorious finger, tiny, flashing dots of otherworldly light shine out in wizardrous glory! With a flick of his finger, the air is filled with a mighty rushing cry of exhaltation, in a voice louder and more wondrous than that of any man! With but the slightest movement of his hands, the entire silver statue has begun to move! Though it must surely weigh several tons, the magic bird gains in speed, rolling faster than the swiftest runner, and now, in all its glory, the silver bird shoots mightily into the air, shrieking toward Heaven!

All praise Frank Gartley, he who has summoned the North Wind and bottled its great might in the twin jets which flank the spreading wings of the Temple of the Silver Bird!

“Hey, thanks for doing a story on me,” says Gartley, back on the ground after the flight of a lifetime. His manner is mystery, but his magic is verily triumphant truth! Behold Frank Gartley, wizard among men! Let all who bear witness give thanks and praise his name! Behold the Magic Flying Man, Frank Gartley! Behold our Savior!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close