adBlockCheck

Behold The Magic Flying Man

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Healthy Living

Behold The Magic Flying Man

Meet Delta Pilot Frank Gartley

People of the Earth! Raise your gaze skyward and BEHOLD! Soaring above you on magical wings of purest silver flies Frank Gartley, the Magic Flying Man! Across the country, over every hill and dale, he takes the wind as his own and lets slip the sundry grasp of gravity! He flies high, he flies free, and he flies alone, as a bird, as a sunbeam, nay, verily, even as a God! Delta Airlines pilot and father of four Frank Gartley, 41, has mastered the powers of flight! Behold the magical wonderment that is the Magic Flying Man!

“It’s really nothing special,” says Gartley with the characteristic modesty and good-natured unselfishness traditionally associated with benevolent supernatural beings in the guise of mortals. “I’m just a guy with a job to do, and I try to do it with a smile.”

Though he may downplay his importance, the facts of the matter are undeniable and shine true! He is the Miraculous Flying Man, who marshals magical forces beyond our comprehension to take wing and FLY! And what’s more, should fortune smile upon you, you just might be lucky enough to go with him, soaring miles above the earth on a thrill-packed journey to the clouds!

“We put safety first,” Gartley says, describing his amazing voyages through the ether. “But we always do our best to ensure that each passenger is comfortable and enjoys his flight.”

Small wonder it is indeed that passengers should enjoy themselves, when they are in the presence of the mightiest Wizard this earth has ever known!

Behold Gartley ’s powers! Within his great Temple of the Silver Bird, an enormous statue carved in the likeness of a giant winged beast, there lie many wonders strange and terrible! In Gartley’s special chamber, just behind the mighty bird’s eyes, he surveys all!

Soon all the worshippers will fill the Temple’s halls as he prepares to shake loose the hold of earth! Though in the Temple Gartley is called captain, in the hearts of every man, woman and child seated here he is Mighty Wizard Gartley, Master of the Wind! His magic knows no end! Look ye on his works!

“Okay, folks, this is Captain Gartley, and I’ll be your pilot today. We are presently preparing for take-off, so please fasten your seatbelts and place all seat-backs and tray tables in their upright, locked positions...”

So does the Mighty Gartley prepare for his miracles, intoning his magic words with a quiet, confident tone, reciting the litany that will bring Flight! Behold! With a mere twist of a knob, his voice is instantly carried to every room in his chambers, heard by all, though the magic man himself cannot be seen!

With a touch of his glorious finger, tiny, flashing dots of otherworldly light shine out in wizardrous glory! With a flick of his finger, the air is filled with a mighty rushing cry of exhaltation, in a voice louder and more wondrous than that of any man! With but the slightest movement of his hands, the entire silver statue has begun to move! Though it must surely weigh several tons, the magic bird gains in speed, rolling faster than the swiftest runner, and now, in all its glory, the silver bird shoots mightily into the air, shrieking toward Heaven!

All praise Frank Gartley, he who has summoned the North Wind and bottled its great might in the twin jets which flank the spreading wings of the Temple of the Silver Bird!

“Hey, thanks for doing a story on me,” says Gartley, back on the ground after the flight of a lifetime. His manner is mystery, but his magic is verily triumphant truth! Behold Frank Gartley, wizard among men! Let all who bear witness give thanks and praise his name! Behold the Magic Flying Man, Frank Gartley! Behold our Savior!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close