Behold The Magic Flying Man

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

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Behold The Magic Flying Man

Meet Delta Pilot Frank Gartley

People of the Earth! Raise your gaze skyward and BEHOLD! Soaring above you on magical wings of purest silver flies Frank Gartley, the Magic Flying Man! Across the country, over every hill and dale, he takes the wind as his own and lets slip the sundry grasp of gravity! He flies high, he flies free, and he flies alone, as a bird, as a sunbeam, nay, verily, even as a God! Delta Airlines pilot and father of four Frank Gartley, 41, has mastered the powers of flight! Behold the magical wonderment that is the Magic Flying Man!

“It’s really nothing special,” says Gartley with the characteristic modesty and good-natured unselfishness traditionally associated with benevolent supernatural beings in the guise of mortals. “I’m just a guy with a job to do, and I try to do it with a smile.”

Though he may downplay his importance, the facts of the matter are undeniable and shine true! He is the Miraculous Flying Man, who marshals magical forces beyond our comprehension to take wing and FLY! And what’s more, should fortune smile upon you, you just might be lucky enough to go with him, soaring miles above the earth on a thrill-packed journey to the clouds!

“We put safety first,” Gartley says, describing his amazing voyages through the ether. “But we always do our best to ensure that each passenger is comfortable and enjoys his flight.”

Small wonder it is indeed that passengers should enjoy themselves, when they are in the presence of the mightiest Wizard this earth has ever known!

Behold Gartley ’s powers! Within his great Temple of the Silver Bird, an enormous statue carved in the likeness of a giant winged beast, there lie many wonders strange and terrible! In Gartley’s special chamber, just behind the mighty bird’s eyes, he surveys all!

Soon all the worshippers will fill the Temple’s halls as he prepares to shake loose the hold of earth! Though in the Temple Gartley is called captain, in the hearts of every man, woman and child seated here he is Mighty Wizard Gartley, Master of the Wind! His magic knows no end! Look ye on his works!

“Okay, folks, this is Captain Gartley, and I’ll be your pilot today. We are presently preparing for take-off, so please fasten your seatbelts and place all seat-backs and tray tables in their upright, locked positions...”

So does the Mighty Gartley prepare for his miracles, intoning his magic words with a quiet, confident tone, reciting the litany that will bring Flight! Behold! With a mere twist of a knob, his voice is instantly carried to every room in his chambers, heard by all, though the magic man himself cannot be seen!

With a touch of his glorious finger, tiny, flashing dots of otherworldly light shine out in wizardrous glory! With a flick of his finger, the air is filled with a mighty rushing cry of exhaltation, in a voice louder and more wondrous than that of any man! With but the slightest movement of his hands, the entire silver statue has begun to move! Though it must surely weigh several tons, the magic bird gains in speed, rolling faster than the swiftest runner, and now, in all its glory, the silver bird shoots mightily into the air, shrieking toward Heaven!

All praise Frank Gartley, he who has summoned the North Wind and bottled its great might in the twin jets which flank the spreading wings of the Temple of the Silver Bird!

“Hey, thanks for doing a story on me,” says Gartley, back on the ground after the flight of a lifetime. His manner is mystery, but his magic is verily triumphant truth! Behold Frank Gartley, wizard among men! Let all who bear witness give thanks and praise his name! Behold the Magic Flying Man, Frank Gartley! Behold our Savior!