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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Being A Better Neighbor

In the suburban environment, tensions can build over something as simple as an unraked lawn. Here are some ways you can keep the peace with your neighbors:

  • If you’re a smoker, make an effort to throw the butts into a single, easy-to-clean pile over the fence.
  • Kill chickens only as necessary and never in the front yard.
  • If there aren't many homeless people in your neighborhood, take some time to sort out the recycling yourself.
  • When rocking out on weekends, stick to professionally vetted greatest hits collections.
  • If a neighbor asks to borrow some sugar, absolutely refuse. His health should be your No. 1 concern.
  • Whenever enjoying your back or front yard, be sure to do so in some nice, tasteful pleated slacks.
  • Are you fucking kidding me with three dogs? What is this, West Virginia? You'll have to euthanize one.
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