Being A Better Neighbor

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 39

Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish

GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish.

Vick To Miss 4 Weeks With Hand Concussion

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of footbal...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Sleep

Being A Better Neighbor

In the suburban environment, tensions can build over something as simple as an unraked lawn. Here are some ways you can keep the peace with your neighbors:

  • If you’re a smoker, make an effort to throw the butts into a single, easy-to-clean pile over the fence.
  • Kill chickens only as necessary and never in the front yard.
  • If there aren't many homeless people in your neighborhood, take some time to sort out the recycling yourself.
  • When rocking out on weekends, stick to professionally vetted greatest hits collections.
  • If a neighbor asks to borrow some sugar, absolutely refuse. His health should be your No. 1 concern.
  • Whenever enjoying your back or front yard, be sure to do so in some nice, tasteful pleated slacks.
  • Are you fucking kidding me with three dogs? What is this, West Virginia? You'll have to euthanize one.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More