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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Being A Considerate Houseguest

If friends or family members are kind enough to invite you to stay at their home, you'll want to be a gracious guest. Here's some tips to help you avoid becoming a burden:


  • Always help your hosts after dinner: Offer to clear the table, wash the dishes, or teach them to cook.
  • Ensure that you do not overstay your welcome by asking your host if you are overstaying your welcome every couple of minutes.
  • Avoid an awkward moment later on by telling your host upfront that you're a bedshitter.
  • Playing your host's stereo at top volume after midnight is rude. Bring your own boombox.
  • Don't just act like a guest in someone's house. Be a guest in someone's house.
  • It's considered good form to replace any cats you drown.
  • Cooking a meal for your host is a nice gesture, but ordering a pizza and offering to chip in for your part is way easier.
  • Always wait until your hosts have gone to bed before masturbating.
  • Should an unfamiliar household situation arise, do not speak. Stare blankly at a fixed point on the wall until it all blows over.
  • Don't monopolize the bathroom: Take sponge baths in the kitchen sink, and pee in a bottle and hide it under the bed.
  • It's customary to take a souvenir from your host's home as a reminder of your wonderful stay.

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