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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Being A Considerate Houseguest

If friends or family members are kind enough to invite you to stay at their home, you'll want to be a gracious guest. Here's some tips to help you avoid becoming a burden:


  • Always help your hosts after dinner: Offer to clear the table, wash the dishes, or teach them to cook.
  • Ensure that you do not overstay your welcome by asking your host if you are overstaying your welcome every couple of minutes.
  • Avoid an awkward moment later on by telling your host upfront that you're a bedshitter.
  • Playing your host's stereo at top volume after midnight is rude. Bring your own boombox.
  • Don't just act like a guest in someone's house. Be a guest in someone's house.
  • It's considered good form to replace any cats you drown.
  • Cooking a meal for your host is a nice gesture, but ordering a pizza and offering to chip in for your part is way easier.
  • Always wait until your hosts have gone to bed before masturbating.
  • Should an unfamiliar household situation arise, do not speak. Stare blankly at a fixed point on the wall until it all blows over.
  • Don't monopolize the bathroom: Take sponge baths in the kitchen sink, and pee in a bottle and hide it under the bed.
  • It's customary to take a souvenir from your host's home as a reminder of your wonderful stay.

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