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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Being A Considerate Houseguest

If friends or family members are kind enough to invite you to stay at their home, you'll want to be a gracious guest. Here's some tips to help you avoid becoming a burden:


  • Always help your hosts after dinner: Offer to clear the table, wash the dishes, or teach them to cook.
  • Ensure that you do not overstay your welcome by asking your host if you are overstaying your welcome every couple of minutes.
  • Avoid an awkward moment later on by telling your host upfront that you're a bedshitter.
  • Playing your host's stereo at top volume after midnight is rude. Bring your own boombox.
  • Don't just act like a guest in someone's house. Be a guest in someone's house.
  • It's considered good form to replace any cats you drown.
  • Cooking a meal for your host is a nice gesture, but ordering a pizza and offering to chip in for your part is way easier.
  • Always wait until your hosts have gone to bed before masturbating.
  • Should an unfamiliar household situation arise, do not speak. Stare blankly at a fixed point on the wall until it all blows over.
  • Don't monopolize the bathroom: Take sponge baths in the kitchen sink, and pee in a bottle and hide it under the bed.
  • It's customary to take a souvenir from your host's home as a reminder of your wonderful stay.

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