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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Being A Considerate Houseguest

If friends or family members are kind enough to invite you to stay at their home, you'll want to be a gracious guest. Here's some tips to help you avoid becoming a burden:


  • Always help your hosts after dinner: Offer to clear the table, wash the dishes, or teach them to cook.
  • Ensure that you do not overstay your welcome by asking your host if you are overstaying your welcome every couple of minutes.
  • Avoid an awkward moment later on by telling your host upfront that you're a bedshitter.
  • Playing your host's stereo at top volume after midnight is rude. Bring your own boombox.
  • Don't just act like a guest in someone's house. Be a guest in someone's house.
  • It's considered good form to replace any cats you drown.
  • Cooking a meal for your host is a nice gesture, but ordering a pizza and offering to chip in for your part is way easier.
  • Always wait until your hosts have gone to bed before masturbating.
  • Should an unfamiliar household situation arise, do not speak. Stare blankly at a fixed point on the wall until it all blows over.
  • Don't monopolize the bathroom: Take sponge baths in the kitchen sink, and pee in a bottle and hide it under the bed.
  • It's customary to take a souvenir from your host's home as a reminder of your wonderful stay.
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