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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Belichick Begins Laying Groundwork For Nov. 14 Misdirection Play

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Patriots head coach and respected tactician Bill Belichick set various and seemingly random events in motion Monday that he believes will culminate in a brilliant misdirection play during his team's Nov. 14 contest against the Pittsburgh Steelers. "Okay, we need to be working on the long-term details this week, especially our pulling-guard schemes, our wide receiver blocking, the routes we take when we drive to work, and the precise times when we walk our dogs and water our plants," said Belichick, writing each item on a whiteboard under the heading "STEELERS/SPECIAL PACKAGE" before suddenly pausing, looking his team directly in the eyes, and saying cryptically, "Or do we?" "If any of you are seen entering the Shop 'n Save in [Pittsburgh neighborhood] Squirrel Hill next Monday, it's off, and we meet back here at exactly 8:17 p.m." Analysts said the subtlety of Belichick's game-planning cannot be underestimated, and his actions may in fact be a clever smoke screen designed to mask a run-of-the-mill seven-yard slant pass against Detroit on Nov. 25.

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