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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Belichick Begins Laying Groundwork For Nov. 14 Misdirection Play

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Patriots head coach and respected tactician Bill Belichick set various and seemingly random events in motion Monday that he believes will culminate in a brilliant misdirection play during his team's Nov. 14 contest against the Pittsburgh Steelers. "Okay, we need to be working on the long-term details this week, especially our pulling-guard schemes, our wide receiver blocking, the routes we take when we drive to work, and the precise times when we walk our dogs and water our plants," said Belichick, writing each item on a whiteboard under the heading "STEELERS/SPECIAL PACKAGE" before suddenly pausing, looking his team directly in the eyes, and saying cryptically, "Or do we?" "If any of you are seen entering the Shop 'n Save in [Pittsburgh neighborhood] Squirrel Hill next Monday, it's off, and we meet back here at exactly 8:17 p.m." Analysts said the subtlety of Belichick's game-planning cannot be underestimated, and his actions may in fact be a clever smoke screen designed to mask a run-of-the-mill seven-yard slant pass against Detroit on Nov. 25.

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