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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Belichick Begins Laying Groundwork For Nov. 14 Misdirection Play

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Patriots head coach and respected tactician Bill Belichick set various and seemingly random events in motion Monday that he believes will culminate in a brilliant misdirection play during his team's Nov. 14 contest against the Pittsburgh Steelers. "Okay, we need to be working on the long-term details this week, especially our pulling-guard schemes, our wide receiver blocking, the routes we take when we drive to work, and the precise times when we walk our dogs and water our plants," said Belichick, writing each item on a whiteboard under the heading "STEELERS/SPECIAL PACKAGE" before suddenly pausing, looking his team directly in the eyes, and saying cryptically, "Or do we?" "If any of you are seen entering the Shop 'n Save in [Pittsburgh neighborhood] Squirrel Hill next Monday, it's off, and we meet back here at exactly 8:17 p.m." Analysts said the subtlety of Belichick's game-planning cannot be underestimated, and his actions may in fact be a clever smoke screen designed to mask a run-of-the-mill seven-yard slant pass against Detroit on Nov. 25.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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