adBlockCheck

Beloved Minister Dies Just As He Lived—Of A Heart Attack

Top Headlines

Recent News

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Beloved Minister Dies Just As He Lived—Of A Heart Attack

SHADY CORNERS, VT—The people of Shady Corners (pop. 712), a sleepy little town near the Vermont-New Hampshire border, came out in full force Sunday to say goodbye to the man they knew as their pastor, their neighbor and their friend: Rev. Walter Booth.

Rev. Walter Booth will not soon be forgotten by the residents of Shady Corners, VT.

Though the end was sudden, those who knew him say he died just as he lived—of a massive heart attack.

"Pastor Booth touched all our lives," said close friend Wayne Patterson in a moving eulogy. "Whether he was making the scriptures come alive with his flair for storytelling, or helping a parishoner in a moment of spiritual crisis, or simply collapsing to the floor, gasping for oxygen, Walter was someone special."

Patricia Grolier, a member of Booth's congregation at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church for over 30 years, also remembered the minister fondly.

"Every Christmas, Pastor Booth would go door-to-door visiting shut-ins and the elderly, singing 'Joy To The World' and yelling, 'Call the damn paramedics!'

Added Grolier: "Gigantic coronary failures were what the pastor was all about."

"Walter Booth was a constant source of inspiration and friendship," Shady Corners physician Henry Boyd said. "He was a constant patient, as well."

Andrew Schulman, pastor of First United Lutheran Church in nearby Plovis, was recently named Booth's successor.

"I may never be the minister he was," said Schulman, "but I can only hope my constant near-drownings someday allow me to fill his shoes.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close