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Ben Affleck Hoping Jason Bourne Has Sidekick In Next Movie

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Friendship

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

They’re In A Fight Or Something

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend...

Friend Asks If There Any Openings At Job He Constantly Mocks

SEATTLE—After politely broaching the subject last week with inquiries about recent hires and overall staff size, sources confirmed Wednesday that area man John Davies asked his friend Matthew Harrison if there were any openings at the real estate in...

Friends From Home Embarrassing

BROOKLYN, NY—After taking a group of visiting hometown friends out with the circle of friends he has made since moving to New York from...

Loser Friend Sort Of Doing Better

ANAHEIM, CA—Despite a long history of unstable living arrangements, failed relationships, and an overall inability to get his shit together,...

This So Typical Of Hemophiliac

TEMPE, AZ—Friends of Joshua Melman agreed Monday that the behavior displayed at the WildSlide Waterpark Sunday was "utterly typical" of the...

Lone Man With Six-Pack 'Partying'

TUCSON, AZ—A party is reportedly underway at 2614 Arcadia Ave., where homeowner Glen Schlatter and no one else is enjoying a six-pack of Olympia Beer. "Yeah, I'm just out here partying," Schlatter told a friend over the phone. "You oughta come down here and join in, it's a real good time." Schlatter, well-known for throwing extremely intimate affairs on weekends, is reportedly considering a whiskey purchase, which would enable him to elevate his partying status to "hearty."

Unhealthy Online Support Groups

A growing number of anorexic girls are joining Internet groups that glorify eating disorders. What are some of the other online support groups that promote dangerous behavior?

Entire Napoleon Dynamite Plot Pieced Together Through Friends' Quotes

AUSTIN, TX—Although he has never seen the 2004 indie hit Napoleon Dynamite, Michael Osman, 23, has cobbled together its entire plot via his friends' endless quoting of the film. "Well, Napoleon's brother said, 'Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day,' and then got a visit from his Internet girlfriend," Osman said. "Then Napoleon told his Uncle Rico that he could make 120 bucks 'in like five seconds,' and went to work on a chicken farm. Then Napoleon gave Trisha a drawing, said, 'It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip,' and asked her to the dance." Osman added that he has a pretty good idea what a liger looks like.

Friends Always On Best Behavior Around Neil LaBute

FORT WAYNE, IN—Personal acquaintances of acclaimed playwright and filmmaker Neil LaBute reported Tuesday that they keep their behavior in check when around him. "You get in one stupid argument with your wife in front of the guy, and the next thing you know, you're an emotionally abusive misogynist in theaters nationwide," said Terrence Wydell, one of LaBute's former classmates. "With Neil, it's best to limit the conversation to the weather and current events." LaBute is reportedly at work on The Act Of Lending, a play about a character named Terrence who borrows DVDs through intimidation and verbal cruelty, with no intention of ever returning them.

Every Time Area Man Drops By, Friend Is Watching The Big Lebowski

CLEARWATER, FL—No matter what time of day he stops by for a visit, Barry Jensen always catches friend Scott Dupre watching the film The Big Lebowski. "[Scott] has about 40 movies on his shelf, so I don't know why he needs to watch The Big Lebowski over and over," Jensen told reporters Monday. "I don't know if he's just too lazy to change the DVD or if he's trying to memorize the lines, or what." Jensen estimated that, in visiting Dupre, he has walked in on the bowling dream sequence with that Kenny Rogers song six times.

New Girlfriend Bears Disturbing Resemblance To Old Girlfriend

ATLANTA—Friends of David Buntrock told reporters Monday that his new girlfriend Katie Wickstrom looks unsettlingly similar to his former girlfriend Tonya Gill. "When I first saw them together I thought, 'Wow, did David and Tonya work things out?'" friend Angie Lisota said, explaining that both Wickstrom and Gill are petite, with cropped brown hair, big eyes, and a penchant for dressing like ballet dancers. "Even her voice sounds a little nasally, like Tonya's." According to Buntrock, Wickstrom "actually looks more like Audrey Hepburn."

'Get TiVo' Friend's Solution To Everything

SANTA MONICA, CA—According to waiter and aspiring writer Ian Shortridge, his friend Dan Stavers has only one piece of advice: "Get TiVo." "You could program a Season Pass so that you never miss the business report," Stavers said, after Shortridge complained that he couldn't get a mortgage. "I'm telling you, TiVo will change your life. Hey, I was right about the iPod, wasn't I?" Since purchasing a digital-video recorder in 2002, Stavers has urged Shortridge to buy one so he can "spend more time writing instead of sitting through all those commercials," "tape some fitness shows and find out how to get in shape," and "catch some funny movies" to help him get over his father's death.

Area Man Too Busy For His Buddy Phil, Eh?

JEFFERSON CITY, MO—College chum Steve Maeske is apparently too busy to give his buddy Phil a quick ring, sources reported Monday. "Phil, honestly, you know I'd love to go out to help you celebrate your birthday," said Maeske, who's been like a ghost ever since he married that Veronica woman. "It's just that, with work and the new baby, I don't have a spare minute. Come on, you can understand, can't you?" Sources close to Maeske don't see why he can't go out for one damn beer.

Friend's Wife Reportedly Very Funny

BILLINGS, MT—Accountant Carl Scoval told reporters Monday that, although he's heard that the wife of his coworker Tom Barton is hilarious, he's never had the opportunity to witness her sense of humor. "Tom is always saying how cool his wife Kim is, how she's always cracking these ironic jokes," Scoval said. "I guess she can cuss a blue streak, too. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll catch her in the act. Every time I've been around her, she's been pretty quiet." Scoval said he hears Kim can drink Barton under the table, as well.

Childhood Friend Stops Writing After Two E-mails

LOUISVILLE, KY—David Krohl, 29, said Monday that his renewed contact with childhood friend Mike Bunge seems to have ended after two e-mails. "It was so cool to hear from my old locker buddy Mike!" Krohl said. "He sent me all these photos of his kids and told me he still thinks about me, and I sent him this big, long e-mail about my life. But now it's been two months since I've heard from him. Ah, well, glad to hear he's doing well." Krohl said that, though it was great to reconnect with his old friend, it's unlikely he'll fly to Fargo, ND for Bunge's 30th birthday in January as planned.

Shy Friend Experimenting With Personality

DUBUQUE, IA—Bashful Clark College sophomore Mandy Schumacher, 20, has spent the last month unsuccessfully trying to forge a personality from scratch, friends of Schumacher said Monday. "She's been introverted for so long that she just doesn't have a clue how to present herself to the world," Schumacher's roommate Krista Vezmer said. "One day she's, like, expounding on the modern ramifications of the Civil War, and the next, she's dancing on tables at Noonan's during Happy Hour." Vezmer added that she thinks Schumacher should stick with mousy.

I Feel I Have Earned The Right To Not Have To Call 'Shotgun'

Jeff? Did I just hear what I think I did? Is it possible that you just said "shotgun"? That's pretty fucked up, Jeff. Because I think it's pretty obvious that, after all these years, I've earned the right to not to have to say "shotgun" when we get into the car.

Work Friends Calling Bill 'William'

BENBROOK, TX—Close friends and neighbors attending the backyard barbecue of Bill Hunkins were surprised to hear the host's coworkers call him "William," attendees reported Monday. "All these people kept saying, 'Mmm, this is delicious, William' and 'Hand me a beer, William,'" Hunkin's friend Bryan Koppe said. "It was so bizarre. Why weren't they calling him by his name? Were they trying to give him shit or something?" Koppe added that Hunkins once spent a semester answering to the nickname "El Pudd."
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Ben Affleck Hoping Jason Bourne Has Sidekick In Next Movie

LOS ANGELES—Actor Ben Affleck, best known for his role in the 2003 film Daredevil, told reporters Monday he would really like to see action hero Jason Bourne, played by longtime friend Matt Damon, acquire a sidekick in his next film.

Affleck outside the William Morris Agency in Beverly Hills on Monday.

"I was thinking that the character, who would probably be Bourne's childhood friend, could really breathe some new life into the series," said Affleck, adding that the Jason Bourne character ran the risk of boring American audiences if the superspy wasn't allowed to show a more human side in his films. "I envision the sidekick as being taller, slightly beefier, and having darker hair than Bourne. He may not be the smartest, but he could provide comic relief and would always look out for his best friend."

"I know a few people who would play the part," the Jersey Girl and Gigli star continued. "Hell, even I would put some projects aside to do it if that's what the producers wanted."

According to Affleck, the fourth film in the Bourne franchise, which has traditionally taken place in European locales but was most recently set in New York City, needs a refreshing location that would surprise filmgoers, such as gritty South Boston. Just moments after the opening credits, the amnesiac CIA assassin would learn that he grew up there, had an abusive childhood, dropped out of high school, and once worked  as a janitor at a local college.

Affleck said he ultimately imagined the film as being less a traditional spy thriller and more about friendship and the importance of realizing one's true potential.

"The sidekick represents the kind of life Bourne would have lived had he never gone off and become a hotshot CIA agent with a big-time career," said Affleck, who described the new character as having suffered a string of bad luck and made a number of poor life choices. "Basically, his character would kill to have Bourne's natural fighting and spying ability, but it's his role in the movie to show Bourne that even though he is a very gifted and talented individual, he should never leave his old friends behind."

Though Affleck, who offered to write the script for free, anticipates more lengthy scenes of dialogue than is typical for a Bourne film, he promised the movie would not be without its signature fight sequences. Affleck said he had already storyboarded one scene, set at a Boston Red Sox game, in which Bourne, the sidekick, and another high school friend, played by director Kevin Smith, get into a fast-paced drunken argument over the film Star Wars and each of their respective mothers.

"How do you like them apples?" said Affleck, referring to what the sidekick could theoretically say after Bourne breaks the necks of several security guards at Fenway Park.

Affleck, who won a Teen Choice Award for his work in 2001's Pearl Harbor, said he plans to pitch the idea to Damon the next time the two see each other, hopefully at an Emmy Awards after-party next month. If Affleck loses his invitation for the event Damon is attending, as he reportedly did last year, he and Damon will discuss the project during one of the rare weekends in which Damon is not working on a film and both actors happen to be at home in their native Massachusetts at the same time.

"I really think he'll go for this," Affleck said. "I know Matt Damon better than anyone in the world, and I just know he's going to love this. I know it. He just has to."

While admitting that a fourth Bourne film has not been discussed, executive producer Doug Liman agreed that a sidekick character might be worth exploring. Liman wrote in an e-mail Friday that he already had a short list of possible candidates for the role, including Vince Vaughn, John C. Reilly, Luke Wilson, Tim Robbins, Minnie Driver, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Casey Affleck, Don Cheadle, and Adam Sandler.

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