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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Ben Affleck Nominated For Best Friend Of Matt Damon

LOS ANGELES—Film actor and director Ben Affleck was recognized today for his work as an outstanding bud with a nomination for Best Friend of Matt Damon. “I am deeply honored to be nominated for this prestigious award, as I have worked hard to hone my craft as Matt Damon’s friend for over 32 years,” said the 40-year-old Argo star of the nomination, after expressing gratitude that his spouse, actress Jennifer Garner, will be the recipient of this year’s Lifetime Wife of Ben Affleck Award. “I think a win has to be considered something of a long shot, but I already won this award back in ’97, so it’s really just nice to be recognized this time out.” At press time, Hollywood insiders reported Affleck is expected to lose the Best Friend of Matt Damon award to actor John Krasinski.

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