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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Ben Affleck Nominated For Best Friend Of Matt Damon

LOS ANGELES—Film actor and director Ben Affleck was recognized today for his work as an outstanding bud with a nomination for Best Friend of Matt Damon. “I am deeply honored to be nominated for this prestigious award, as I have worked hard to hone my craft as Matt Damon’s friend for over 32 years,” said the 40-year-old Argo star of the nomination, after expressing gratitude that his spouse, actress Jennifer Garner, will be the recipient of this year’s Lifetime Wife of Ben Affleck Award. “I think a win has to be considered something of a long shot, but I already won this award back in ’97, so it’s really just nice to be recognized this time out.” At press time, Hollywood insiders reported Affleck is expected to lose the Best Friend of Matt Damon award to actor John Krasinski.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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