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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Ben Carson Slowly Floats Away From Earth

NATIONAL HARBOR, MD—Steadily sailing higher and higher above the bewildered audience gathered outside at the Gaylord National Resort, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson slowly floated away from earth Friday, onlookers confirmed. Carson, who began levitating above the stage without any warning midway through his speech, reportedly appeared unfazed by the circumstances as he continued to quietly and calmly describe his views on taxation while gradually ascending into the air. Witnesses confirmed that attempts by frantic campaign aides to grab and retrieve the drifting candidate were abandoned after a gust of wind quickly swept Carson further upwards, his body rising past the treeline as he gently clasped his hands together while quoting Thomas Jefferson. The candidate’s soft voice reportedly continued to fade toward silence as his diminishing form climbed ever higher into the sky, eventually reducing in size to merely a dot on the horizon before disappearing into the cloud cover as stunned attendees looked on. At press time, crew members of the International Space Station had reported spotting the candidate smiling as he glided by the facility’s observatory module.

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