Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years. “They certainly aren’t around all the time, but every now and then I’m afflicted by these very distressing impulses to do or say something logical about immigration or gun control,” said Carson, describing the severe mental discomfort that he has suffered from intrusive coherent thoughts on climate change, abortion, and homosexuality. “When they do appear, it’s like a dagger in my mind urging me to act reasonably. If I really concentrate and calm myself down, I can make them go away. But I can only ignore them for so long. One day, I might slip up and behave sensibly if I don’t remain vigilant.” At press time, a visibly upset Carson had reportedly closed his eyes and quietly repeated, “Just go away” in an effort to silence the voices in his head urging him to apologize for equating the Affordable Care Act to slavery.

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