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Ben Roethlisberger

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Ben Roethlisberger

STRENGTHS: Defensive ends and blitzing linebackers have trouble getting a grasp on his misshapen head; remarkable ability to avoid tacklers, prosecution; because his offensive line sort of sucks shit, has figured out how to extend plays indefinitely

WEAKNESSES: Getting people to like him; periodically does things that make Tony Dungy open his big sanctimonious mouth; still can't ride a motorcycle worth a damn

SUPER BOWL GOAL: To use the win or loss to his advantage after the game

NICKNAMES: Big Ben; Scumbag; Alleged Assailant; Prick; That’s My Sister, You Fucking Asshole

VISUALIZATION TECHNIQUE: Concentrates all game on tubing on a lake behind a ski boat driven by his dog while a woman fellates him

NEXT: Hines Ward

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