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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Ben Roethlisberger

STRENGTHS: Defensive ends and blitzing linebackers have trouble getting a grasp on his misshapen head; remarkable ability to avoid tacklers, prosecution; because his offensive line sort of sucks shit, has figured out how to extend plays indefinitely

WEAKNESSES: Getting people to like him; periodically does things that make Tony Dungy open his big sanctimonious mouth; still can't ride a motorcycle worth a damn

SUPER BOWL GOAL: To use the win or loss to his advantage after the game

NICKNAMES: Big Ben; Scumbag; Alleged Assailant; Prick; That’s My Sister, You Fucking Asshole

VISUALIZATION TECHNIQUE: Concentrates all game on tubing on a lake behind a ski boat driven by his dog while a woman fellates him

NEXT: Hines Ward

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