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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Bengals Fan Confident This The Wake-Up Call Pacman Jones Needed

CINCINNATI—On the same day cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones pleaded not guilty to assault charges after being accused of striking a woman outside of a bar, local Bengals fan Randall Price reportedly told his friends Tuesday that he’s confident this incident is the wake-up call that Jones needs to turn his troubled career around. “It really seems like he’s going to learn his lesson from this arrest,” said Price of the troubled NFL star who has now had more than 10 brushes with the law. “I’m pretty confident that this actually winds up being good for him and good for the NFL. It provides an example to the rest of the league that after a lengthy suspension and then a few more incidents, a player can finally go on to have a successful career after just one more arrest.” When asked by reporters whether he also saw the off-the-field incident as a wake-up call, Jones made it very clear that he felt “that dumb bitch is lying.”

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