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Bengals Fan Confident This The Wake-Up Call Pacman Jones Needed

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Bengals Fan Confident This The Wake-Up Call Pacman Jones Needed

CINCINNATI—On the same day cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones pleaded not guilty to assault charges after being accused of striking a woman outside of a bar, local Bengals fan Randall Price reportedly told his friends Tuesday that he’s confident this incident is the wake-up call that Jones needs to turn his troubled career around. “It really seems like he’s going to learn his lesson from this arrest,” said Price of the troubled NFL star who has now had more than 10 brushes with the law. “I’m pretty confident that this actually winds up being good for him and good for the NFL. It provides an example to the rest of the league that after a lengthy suspension and then a few more incidents, a player can finally go on to have a successful career after just one more arrest.” When asked by reporters whether he also saw the off-the-field incident as a wake-up call, Jones made it very clear that he felt “that dumb bitch is lying.”

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