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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Bengals Sign Terrell Owens To One-Year, $2 Million Ordeal

CINCINNATI—The Bengals reached a contract agreement with wide receiver Terrell Owens Tuesday, signing the outspoken six-time Pro Bowler to an excruciating one-year ordeal worth $2 million plus bonuses. Under the terms of the ordeal, Owens could earn up to $2 million more if, while tormenting fans, teammates, and coaches during what is sure to be an excruciating season, he finishes with more than 60 catches, 1,300 receiving yards, and 14 touchdowns. "I'm excited to start doing my thing right away," said Owens, who is expected to report to Bengals training camp as soon as the ordeal is approved by Commissioner Goodell, who reportedly shook his head in disgust upon hearing that Owens would be returning for a 15th NFL season. "I think the combination of myself and [Chad] Ochocinco will be [sheer torture]." The Bengals have yet to issue an apology.

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