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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Bengals Sign Terrell Owens To One-Year, $2 Million Ordeal

CINCINNATI—The Bengals reached a contract agreement with wide receiver Terrell Owens Tuesday, signing the outspoken six-time Pro Bowler to an excruciating one-year ordeal worth $2 million plus bonuses. Under the terms of the ordeal, Owens could earn up to $2 million more if, while tormenting fans, teammates, and coaches during what is sure to be an excruciating season, he finishes with more than 60 catches, 1,300 receiving yards, and 14 touchdowns. "I'm excited to start doing my thing right away," said Owens, who is expected to report to Bengals training camp as soon as the ordeal is approved by Commissioner Goodell, who reportedly shook his head in disgust upon hearing that Owens would be returning for a 15th NFL season. "I think the combination of myself and [Chad] Ochocinco will be [sheer torture]." The Bengals have yet to issue an apology.

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