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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Bengals To Enforce Strict 3 a.m. Curfew

CINCINNATI, OH—After enduring the arrests of 10 of their players over the last 14 months, the exasperated Cincinnati Bengals coaching staff announced that it will enact a new training-camp rule—the Bengals' third ever—requiring players to at least try and make it back for the 3 a.m. curfew. "I know the guys won't like this," Bengals coach Marvin Lewis said Monday. "But a rule's a rule, as I've often told them, and if they can't get drunk, stoned, or embroiled in a running gun battle with police before the curfew, they will eventually have to suffer the consequences." The team is also considering a radical new policy that would encourage Bengals players who drink heavily to seek the help of a designated driver to take them to practice.

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