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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Bengals To Enforce Strict 3 a.m. Curfew

CINCINNATI, OH—After enduring the arrests of 10 of their players over the last 14 months, the exasperated Cincinnati Bengals coaching staff announced that it will enact a new training-camp rule—the Bengals' third ever—requiring players to at least try and make it back for the 3 a.m. curfew. "I know the guys won't like this," Bengals coach Marvin Lewis said Monday. "But a rule's a rule, as I've often told them, and if they can't get drunk, stoned, or embroiled in a running gun battle with police before the curfew, they will eventually have to suffer the consequences." The team is also considering a radical new policy that would encourage Bengals players who drink heavily to seek the help of a designated driver to take them to practice.

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