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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Bengals' Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good

BRISTOL, CT—By wearing their brightly colored orange-and-black tiger-print uniforms during a victory over the Steelers, the division-leading 7-2 Cincinnati Bengals made their team gear appear far less stupid Sunday. "The Bengals uniforms during the '90s, and the ones from their 11-loss season in 2008, looked really stupid, like they were wearing carpet ripped straight out of a discount strip club," analyst Chris Mortenson said during an ESPN radio broadcast Monday. "But now that they're on top of the AFC North, you might even go so far as to say that their uniforms are classic. I'm even starting to think that the one dumb striped panel going down the leg isn't so godawful anymore." When discussing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' current red-and-pewter jerseys versus their old orange-and-white uniforms, however, Mortenson concluded that, in either version, the team "has always looked like shit."

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