Bengals' Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good

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Vol 45 Issue 47

Nets Announce Team Is In Re-Demolition Mode

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In a continuing effort to destroy their roster and ultimately cause their team's collapse, Nets officials announced Monday that the franchise was entrenched in a long-term re-demolition process.

Several 2009 MLB Awards Clearly Thought Up On The Spot

NEW YORK—A number of players suggested to reporters Monday that, with accolades such as the AL Platinum Baseman Award and the Best Lead Off of the Year Trophy, the Baseball Writers' Association of America was almost certainly making up its year-end honors on the spot.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Bengals' Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good

BRISTOL, CT—By wearing their brightly colored orange-and-black tiger-print uniforms during a victory over the Steelers, the division-leading 7-2 Cincinnati Bengals made their team gear appear far less stupid Sunday. "The Bengals uniforms during the '90s, and the ones from their 11-loss season in 2008, looked really stupid, like they were wearing carpet ripped straight out of a discount strip club," analyst Chris Mortenson said during an ESPN radio broadcast Monday. "But now that they're on top of the AFC North, you might even go so far as to say that their uniforms are classic. I'm even starting to think that the one dumb striped panel going down the leg isn't so godawful anymore." When discussing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' current red-and-pewter jerseys versus their old orange-and-white uniforms, however, Mortenson concluded that, in either version, the team "has always looked like shit."

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