Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun. “The suspect was driving erratically on his motorcycle when we pulled him over to the side of the court, at which point we uncovered a weapon hidden on his person,” said Chicago police officer Isaac Guerrero, adding that Benny the Bull then fled from authorities on foot, eventually jumping off a trampoline, somersaulting through the air, and barreling through several cheerleaders who were blocking his path. “The suspect then began firing indiscriminately into the crowd before tossing the weapon into a trash can. Upon recovering the T-shirt gun it was clear the serial numbers had been filed off, and we later discovered over 300 rounds of T-shirts stockpiled in his storage locker.” In addition to the current weapons charges, officers said that Benny the Bull might face further prosecution if ballistic experts can successfully link the T-shirt gun to several unsolved shootings at the United Center.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.