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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun. “The suspect was driving erratically on his motorcycle when we pulled him over to the side of the court, at which point we uncovered a weapon hidden on his person,” said Chicago police officer Isaac Guerrero, adding that Benny the Bull then fled from authorities on foot, eventually jumping off a trampoline, somersaulting through the air, and barreling through several cheerleaders who were blocking his path. “The suspect then began firing indiscriminately into the crowd before tossing the weapon into a trash can. Upon recovering the T-shirt gun it was clear the serial numbers had been filed off, and we later discovered over 300 rounds of T-shirts stockpiled in his storage locker.” In addition to the current weapons charges, officers said that Benny the Bull might face further prosecution if ballistic experts can successfully link the T-shirt gun to several unsolved shootings at the United Center.

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