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Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Berserk Hairdresser Cuts Bangs Without Permission

SYRACUSE, NY—An area hairdresser went berserk Sunday, cutting Syracuse University sophomore Stacie Medding’s bangs without her expressed permission. According to Medding, the unwanted bang-cutting not only makes her hair look “so completely ugly,” but it also represents a four-month setback in her quest to “grow them out.” “Stacie got so scalped,” said Vice President Al Gore, visiting the Syracuse University campus yesterday to survey the damage. “Oh my God, she is like bald.”

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