adBlockCheck

Local

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
End Of Section
  • More News

Berserk Hairdresser Cuts Bangs Without Permission

SYRACUSE, NY—An area hairdresser went berserk Sunday, cutting Syracuse University sophomore Stacie Medding’s bangs without her expressed permission. According to Medding, the unwanted bang-cutting not only makes her hair look “so completely ugly,” but it also represents a four-month setback in her quest to “grow them out.” “Stacie got so scalped,” said Vice President Al Gore, visiting the Syracuse University campus yesterday to survey the damage. “Oh my God, she is like bald.”

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close