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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Berserk Hairdresser Cuts Bangs Without Permission

SYRACUSE, NY—An area hairdresser went berserk Sunday, cutting Syracuse University sophomore Stacie Medding’s bangs without her expressed permission. According to Medding, the unwanted bang-cutting not only makes her hair look “so completely ugly,” but it also represents a four-month setback in her quest to “grow them out.” “Stacie got so scalped,” said Vice President Al Gore, visiting the Syracuse University campus yesterday to survey the damage. “Oh my God, she is like bald.”

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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