Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
End Of Section
  • More News

Best Buy Employee Going To Tell You What He Has At Home

MEDFORD, OR—After asking if you needed help while browsing wireless routers, a Best Buy employee is now going to give you a detailed explanation of what he uses at home, sources are confirming. “I’ve had this NETGEAR dual-band router for years, and honestly, I haven’t had a single issue with it,” said the employee, noting that he at one point owned a cheaper model of the same router, but upgrading has “definitely been worth the extra 30 bucks, no question.” “I always have a lot of devices running on the network at the same time—usually my laptop, my Xbox, and my iPhone—and there’s never been any problem in terms of connection or internet speed. And the signal is really strong no matter where I am in my apartment.” The employee will reportedly go on to talk about the product’s warranty.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.