Best Friends Each Secretly Think Of The Other As Sidekick

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Partying

Best Friends Each Secretly Think Of The Other As Sidekick

OXFORD, OH–Though neither has openly acknowledged it, Marc Morrell and Justin Rotham, longtime best friends and sophomores at Miami University of Ohio, each regard the other as a sidekick.

Mutual sidekicks Morrell and Rotham.

"Me and Marc, we're like Batman and Robin," said Rotham, 19, who met Morrell when both were freshmen at Canton (OH) McKinley High School. "Wherever I lead, I can count on him to follow."

Morrell expressed similar affection for his sidekick.

"Justin and I make a great team," Morrell said. "No matter what crazy plan I come up with, I always know that he's gonna be right there to back me up. If this were Ferris Bueller's Day Off, I'd be Ferris and he'd be Cameron Frye."

Added Morrell: "Chuck D and Flavor Flav, Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon, me and Justin... standing beside every great man is a great sidekick."

Like many best friends, Morrell and Rotham have similar tastes, sharing an affection for the The Simpsons, Kurt Vonnegut, and the BBC series Black Adder.

"I love Rowan Atkinson as Black Adder," Rotham said. "I can't even watch Mr. Bean. It's okay, but it's not like Atkinson's in his prime anymore."

"I'm not surprised he'd say that," Morrell said later. "He'd never even heard of Black Adder before I got him into it. Now, he's the world's greatest expert on it. Like I said, wherever Marc leads, Justin follows."

While Morrell claims superior knowledge of Black Adder, Rotham says he's the authority when it comes to music.

"I'm the one who got him to stop listening to all that Top 40 crap and turned him on to electronica and trance stuff like John Digweed," Rotham said. "Now, he compares everything to Digweed, and I have to set him straight when it's more like Paul Oakenfold. He's still learning."

The duo's mutual sidekicksmanship often manifests itself during road trips.

"Whenever we drive down to Cincinnati to see bands, I take the wheel," Morrell said. "Me being the leader, not to mention the one with the car, I'm always the one who drives."

Rotham, however, sees it differently.

"As the man with the plan, I choose to take the role of navigator on road trips," he said. "Marc couldn't find his ass with a homing device, so that means I've got to man the maps. And, let's face it, even though Sulu pilots the Enterprise, he still takes orders from Kirk. I am captain, and Marc is my first lieutenant."

Though Morrell and Rotham generally enjoy having a sidekick, both acknowledged that it occasionally has its downside.

"Justin's a great guy and all, but sometimes it's tough to make my moves when he's always hanging on my sleeve," Morrell said. "Like, last weekend, we were at this house party, and I was trying to chat up this cute girl Amy from my psych class, and he wouldn't leave my side for a second."

Rotham expressed similar frustration over his friend's reliance on him in social situations. "If not for me, he'd never even talk to girls," Rotham said. "He counts on me to steer the ladies his way. Usually, I'm happy to, but every now and then it'd be nice if he could make things happen on his own."

Neither Morrell nor Rotham are dating, but both expressed confidence that they have some "hot leads." Those who know the pair, however, have their doubts.

"Those guys are sort of cool in their own way, but mostly they're dorks," said Renee Callahan, a friend of the two. "I mean, they go everywhere together, have all these retarded inside jokes, and even dress almost identically. And they definitely share a lack of success with the ladies. I don't know why they don't just admit they're in love with each other."

Morrell and Rotham concede that the affection is mutual, though not equal.

"I love Justin like a brother," Morrell said, "but he definitely needs me a lot more than I need him."

"Without me, Marc would be totally lost," Rotham said. "It's like if this were Ferris Bueller's Day Off, I'd be Ferris and he'd be Cameron."

Next Story