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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Best-Laid Plans Of Mice Mostly Cheese-Related

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Animal-intelligence researchers at Sandia National Labs have found that the best-laid plans of common laboratory mice are overwhelmingly directed toward the acquisition of cheese. "Whatever rudimentary planning skills mice possess are devoted primarily to finding cheese, and these plans are manifest in dodging predators, chewing through things, and, in specialized cases, running mazes," researcher Jack Stein said. "By contrast, the best-laid plans of men are more long-term, with the acquisition of cheese comprising one subcategory of endeavor." Stein added that both types of plans tend oft to go awry.
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