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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Best-Laid Plans Of Mice Mostly Cheese-Related

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Animal-intelligence researchers at Sandia National Labs have found that the best-laid plans of common laboratory mice are overwhelmingly directed toward the acquisition of cheese. "Whatever rudimentary planning skills mice possess are devoted primarily to finding cheese, and these plans are manifest in dodging predators, chewing through things, and, in specialized cases, running mazes," researcher Jack Stein said. "By contrast, the best-laid plans of men are more long-term, with the acquisition of cheese comprising one subcategory of endeavor." Stein added that both types of plans tend oft to go awry.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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