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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Best They Could Get Accepts Republican Nomination

TAMPA, FL—Addressing thousands of faithful GOP supporters at the Republican National Convention Thursday evening, the best they could get right now formally accepted the party’s nomination for the presidency of the United States.

“It is a great honor to stand before you all today and accept your nomination for president,” the only real viable alternative they had, given the options, told the assembled GOP delegates at the Tampa Bay Times Forum. “Together, we will take America in a new direction. Together, we will win the White House.”

With Thursday night’s speech, the by no means perfect choice what are you gonna do finally reached the end of a difficult nomination process, having beaten a field of challengers in the primaries that included they’d have to be crazy, not a chance, and the absolute worst-case scenario.

“You have given me a solemn responsibility, one that I do not take lightly,” said the honest to God strongest game plan the Republicans could come up with after four whole years of trying. “It has been an extraordinary journey to this point, and I believe this is only the beginning.”

After accepting the nomination, the lesser of several evils thanked those in attendance, adding that it was a great honor to have the much more exciting possibility, actually, although probably better for 2016, as a running mate.

What they’re just going to have to live with because it isn’t like Ronald Reagan is walking on to that stage anytime soon then went on to offer a hopeful vision for the future.

“It is true that our country has fallen on hard times,” the only halfway decent alternative around if one is being brutally frank—and, at this point, why not be brutally frank—said in the nationally televised speech. “But a brighter future lies ahead.”

Promising to solve the country’s economic woes and restore strong values to the White House, the admittedly safe bet that didn’t exactly set the world on fire in 2008, isn’t exactly setting the world on fire now, and probably never will be what die-hard conservatives, or even moderate Republicans for that matter, really want in their deepest heart of hearts blasted President Obama for “four years of failed ideas and failed policies.”

“It’s time for a change,” the perhaps inevitably uninspiring fall-back plan of a rudderless party attempting to redefine its political identity amidst a rapidly changing political landscape announced. “I will not let you down.”

“Thank you, and God bless America,” concluded the only way they were going to raise this kind of money, anyway, so they can’t complain too much.

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