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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Best They Could Get Accepts Republican Nomination

TAMPA, FL—Addressing thousands of faithful GOP supporters at the Republican National Convention Thursday evening, the best they could get right now formally accepted the party’s nomination for the presidency of the United States.

“It is a great honor to stand before you all today and accept your nomination for president,” the only real viable alternative they had, given the options, told the assembled GOP delegates at the Tampa Bay Times Forum. “Together, we will take America in a new direction. Together, we will win the White House.”

With Thursday night’s speech, the by no means perfect choice what are you gonna do finally reached the end of a difficult nomination process, having beaten a field of challengers in the primaries that included they’d have to be crazy, not a chance, and the absolute worst-case scenario.

“You have given me a solemn responsibility, one that I do not take lightly,” said the honest to God strongest game plan the Republicans could come up with after four whole years of trying. “It has been an extraordinary journey to this point, and I believe this is only the beginning.”

After accepting the nomination, the lesser of several evils thanked those in attendance, adding that it was a great honor to have the much more exciting possibility, actually, although probably better for 2016, as a running mate.

What they’re just going to have to live with because it isn’t like Ronald Reagan is walking on to that stage anytime soon then went on to offer a hopeful vision for the future.

“It is true that our country has fallen on hard times,” the only halfway decent alternative around if one is being brutally frank—and, at this point, why not be brutally frank—said in the nationally televised speech. “But a brighter future lies ahead.”

Promising to solve the country’s economic woes and restore strong values to the White House, the admittedly safe bet that didn’t exactly set the world on fire in 2008, isn’t exactly setting the world on fire now, and probably never will be what die-hard conservatives, or even moderate Republicans for that matter, really want in their deepest heart of hearts blasted President Obama for “four years of failed ideas and failed policies.”

“It’s time for a change,” the perhaps inevitably uninspiring fall-back plan of a rudderless party attempting to redefine its political identity amidst a rapidly changing political landscape announced. “I will not let you down.”

“Thank you, and God bless America,” concluded the only way they were going to raise this kind of money, anyway, so they can’t complain too much.

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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

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