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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Best Thing That Ever Happened To Area Man Yelling At Him About Socks

MINNEAPOLIS—Joseph Collins, 38, who is perhaps the luckiest man alive and who certainly doesn't deserve the wonderful woman who showed him what it was like to be happy, was chastised by the love of his life for sock-related reasons Thursday. "Look at the holes in these toes," sighed Collins' perfect match, who found him when he was adrift in his late-20s and brought joy and tenderness into his life. "And these are your good SmartWools. You have to treat your things right, honey. Are you listening to me?" At press time, Shelly Collins' knight in shining armor was spilling cookie crumbs all over the couch she had just cleaned.

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