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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Best Thing That Ever Happened To Area Man Yelling At Him About Socks

MINNEAPOLIS—Joseph Collins, 38, who is perhaps the luckiest man alive and who certainly doesn't deserve the wonderful woman who showed him what it was like to be happy, was chastised by the love of his life for sock-related reasons Thursday. "Look at the holes in these toes," sighed Collins' perfect match, who found him when he was adrift in his late-20s and brought joy and tenderness into his life. "And these are your good SmartWools. You have to treat your things right, honey. Are you listening to me?" At press time, Shelly Collins' knight in shining armor was spilling cookie crumbs all over the couch she had just cleaned.

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