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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Biden Forges President’s Signature On Executive Order To Make December Dokken History Month

WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor the “sweet-ass” legacy of a hair metal band that he said “totally fucking shreds,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly snuck into the Oval Office early Thursday to forge President Obama’s signature on an executive order that would officially recognize December as Dokken History Month. “Look, I’ve already asked Barry a thousand times because Dokken’s a goddamn national treasure, but he just wouldn’t get with the program, so now we’re doing shit Diamond Joe’s way,” said Biden, who took extra care to ensure the president’s signature matched previous counterfeit executive orders he had fabricated to implement directives that required strip clubs in the capital to stay open past 2 a.m., created a federal holiday for Quiet Riot guitarist Randy Rhoads’ birthday, and pardoned his buddy Blaze, who reportedly got into a “little dustup” with some bikers outside Carson City, NV earlier this year. “This is a no-brainer. If you crank up Donnie’s killer vocals and George Lynch is wailing on his ax on your car stereo, I guarantee a smokin’ hot metal chick will be ripping your stick shift out of the gearbox in zero seconds flat. Every lick on Back For The Attack is like a shot of adrenaline right in the babymaker. So sometimes you gotta take matters into your own hands to make sure we set aside 31 days a year to keep rockin’ with Dokken.” According to sources, Biden then photocopied a “big-ass” stack of blank executive orders and grabbed a handful of official presidential pens so he could practice his Donald Trump signature.

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