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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The President Of Vice

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Biden Frantically Hitting Up Cabinet Members For Clean Piss

WASHINGTON—A cabinet meeting in the White House’s West Wing was reportedly interrupted early Thursday morning when an agitated Vice President Joe Biden suddenly barged in, asking if anyone could “hook [him] up with a Dixie cup” of their urine. “C’mon, you gotta help me get some clean whiz—Shinseki, Donovan, I’m looking in your direction,” said Biden, who implored all 15 heads of the executive-branch departments not to say anything, noting he would be in “deep shit” if they did. “I’m not fucking around. I need some lizard juice, pronto. And dudes only—I can’t get found out like I did last time.” According to sources, Biden then hurried out of the room, vowing to return with bottles of water in case anyone needed help “kickstarting their hogs.”

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