Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting

Top Headlines


Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims

Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close

ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting

Worm joins Cabinet members for a high-level meeting.
Worm joins Cabinet members for a high-level meeting.

WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had “a major shitstorm” he had to deal with, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly had a guy named Worm sit in for him at a cabinet meeting Thursday, assuring senior officials in the administration that his buddy was “a top-notch dude.”

“Worm is cool, he can handle it, no problemo,” said Biden, who informed cabinet members that Worm would “get the lay of the land real damn quick.” “Listen, I would stay for this little powwow, but I’m neck-deep in some stuff that I just gotta take care of in a big way.”

“Worm says he’s clean now, because of some stupid probation thing,” continued the vice president, announcing that Worm received “Diamond Joe’s” seal of approval. “Don’t worry, I warned him not to bring that smelly-ass dog of his, and I never really talk at these things anyway. I’ll definitely try to catch the next one.”

White House sources confirmed that Worm, who has no last name, arrived on time for the 9 a.m. cabinet meeting, quickly took his assigned seat, and then proceeded to noisily eat chicken wings from a Styrofoam container, licking sauce from his fingers, cracking open the bones to suck out the marrow, and mentioning on several occasions to Secretary of Veteran Affairs Eric Shinseki that “these little fuckers are extra spicy today.” Cabinet members told reporters that Worm, a part-time worker at an auto-body shop and a part-time roadie for the metal band Kreator’s U.S. tour, questioned the high-ranking government officials about “how long these things take” and promised that he’d “just sit here and not bug nobody” until the smoke break.

“Joe told me these things are real easy; you just have to sit in the right spot and not fuck shit up,” said Worm, adding that the vice president encouraged him to keep his trap shut. “He told me straight up not to sit next to the chick from health and human services. They got some beef because he sent her a bunch of cell phone pictures of a pierced nipple or clit or something that got all infected.”

“Joe clued me in to all the most important shit,” added Worm. “He said if you have to drain the main vein, just get up and go find the can. Tipped me off about not filching nothing; I guess they’ll drop a dime on your ass pretty quick around here.”

Worm, White House sources confirmed, remained silent for most of the meeting other than occasionally saying, “How you doing, I’m Worm.”

Though cabinet members said Worm’s presence at the assembly was fairly uneventful, the 52-year-old reportedly interrupted a briefing on sustainable energy by suddenly shouting, “Which one of you guys is Chuck Hagel again? Joe says you’re a fucking prick.”

In addition, Worm reportedly interfered with the proceedings by providing an anecdote about a tattoo of a naked succubus on his back, angrily answering a phone call from his parole officer, and insisting that he had hung out with Barack Obama at the Ocean Downs off-track betting parlor in Cambridge, Maryland.

“I remember you were having a tough time picking the ponies,” said Worm. “And I think you just got fired from your locksmith job. Oh wait, you didn’t say your name was Bart, did you? Never mind then, I was super fucking trashed that day. I don’t remember jack.”

“Shit, I know, I sold you a bunch of Thizz at Joe’s big party in January,” added Worm. “That was some strong Molly. You must have been tripping balls. Anyway, sorry for interrupting, man. Go back to talking about whatever you guys were saying.”

At press time, cabinet members confirmed Worm had a number of very insightful ideas concerning foreign relations with Egypt and that the administration was moving forward to implement several of the recommended provisions.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close