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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

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How Confirmation Hearings Work

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Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.
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Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting

Worm joins Cabinet members for a high-level meeting.
Worm joins Cabinet members for a high-level meeting.

WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had “a major shitstorm” he had to deal with, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly had a guy named Worm sit in for him at a cabinet meeting Thursday, assuring senior officials in the administration that his buddy was “a top-notch dude.”

“Worm is cool, he can handle it, no problemo,” said Biden, who informed cabinet members that Worm would “get the lay of the land real damn quick.” “Listen, I would stay for this little powwow, but I’m neck-deep in some stuff that I just gotta take care of in a big way.”

“Worm says he’s clean now, because of some stupid probation thing,” continued the vice president, announcing that Worm received “Diamond Joe’s” seal of approval. “Don’t worry, I warned him not to bring that smelly-ass dog of his, and I never really talk at these things anyway. I’ll definitely try to catch the next one.”

White House sources confirmed that Worm, who has no last name, arrived on time for the 9 a.m. cabinet meeting, quickly took his assigned seat, and then proceeded to noisily eat chicken wings from a Styrofoam container, licking sauce from his fingers, cracking open the bones to suck out the marrow, and mentioning on several occasions to Secretary of Veteran Affairs Eric Shinseki that “these little fuckers are extra spicy today.” Cabinet members told reporters that Worm, a part-time worker at an auto-body shop and a part-time roadie for the metal band Kreator’s U.S. tour, questioned the high-ranking government officials about “how long these things take” and promised that he’d “just sit here and not bug nobody” until the smoke break.

“Joe told me these things are real easy; you just have to sit in the right spot and not fuck shit up,” said Worm, adding that the vice president encouraged him to keep his trap shut. “He told me straight up not to sit next to the chick from health and human services. They got some beef because he sent her a bunch of cell phone pictures of a pierced nipple or clit or something that got all infected.”

“Joe clued me in to all the most important shit,” added Worm. “He said if you have to drain the main vein, just get up and go find the can. Tipped me off about not filching nothing; I guess they’ll drop a dime on your ass pretty quick around here.”

Worm, White House sources confirmed, remained silent for most of the meeting other than occasionally saying, “How you doing, I’m Worm.”

Though cabinet members said Worm’s presence at the assembly was fairly uneventful, the 52-year-old reportedly interrupted a briefing on sustainable energy by suddenly shouting, “Which one of you guys is Chuck Hagel again? Joe says you’re a fucking prick.”

In addition, Worm reportedly interfered with the proceedings by providing an anecdote about a tattoo of a naked succubus on his back, angrily answering a phone call from his parole officer, and insisting that he had hung out with Barack Obama at the Ocean Downs off-track betting parlor in Cambridge, Maryland.

“I remember you were having a tough time picking the ponies,” said Worm. “And I think you just got fired from your locksmith job. Oh wait, you didn’t say your name was Bart, did you? Never mind then, I was super fucking trashed that day. I don’t remember jack.”

“Shit, I know, I sold you a bunch of Thizz at Joe’s big party in January,” added Worm. “That was some strong Molly. You must have been tripping balls. Anyway, sorry for interrupting, man. Go back to talking about whatever you guys were saying.”

At press time, cabinet members confirmed Worm had a number of very insightful ideas concerning foreign relations with Egypt and that the administration was moving forward to implement several of the recommended provisions.

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