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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate

'Don't Want Pussy On The Mind Out There,' Reports Vice President

DENVER—Noting that tonight’s debate against Mitt Romney would last a full hour and a half, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly urged President Obama to “rub one out” so that he could “get pussy off the mind” before taking the stage at 9 p.m. Eastern time. “Look, Barry, you need to keep your head in the game up there, and you sure as shit can’t focus if you’ve got a full load flaring up inside you,” said Biden, telling Obama he should feel free to think about the first lady, “Jill [Biden], or whoever pops into your head while you’re polishing the ol’ Capitol dome.” “Hell, I must’ve yanked the crank a good eight or nine times before my debate with Sarah Palin back in ’08…and a few times after, too, if you catch my drift.” At press time, sources reported seeing the president enter a private bathroom with Biden’s “rare and always reliable” January 1979 edition of Playboy.

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