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Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.
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Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate

'Don't Want Pussy On The Mind Out There,' Reports Vice President

DENVER—Noting that tonight’s debate against Mitt Romney would last a full hour and a half, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly urged President Obama to “rub one out” so that he could “get pussy off the mind” before taking the stage at 9 p.m. Eastern time. “Look, Barry, you need to keep your head in the game up there, and you sure as shit can’t focus if you’ve got a full load flaring up inside you,” said Biden, telling Obama he should feel free to think about the first lady, “Jill [Biden], or whoever pops into your head while you’re polishing the ol’ Capitol dome.” “Hell, I must’ve yanked the crank a good eight or nine times before my debate with Sarah Palin back in ’08…and a few times after, too, if you catch my drift.” At press time, sources reported seeing the president enter a private bathroom with Biden’s “rare and always reliable” January 1979 edition of Playboy.

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