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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Biden Investigated For Questionable Workers’ Comp Claim

WASHINGTON—Weeks after accepting a workers’ compensation settlement for a personal injury he purportedly sustained on the job, Vice President Joe Biden is under investigation for allegedly filing a fraudulent claim, sources confirmed Friday. “Can you believe it? I wrench the hell out of my back while showing a diplomat around the Rose Garden, and now they’re trying to take away my disability check?” a back brace–wearing Biden said of the ongoing probe into his settlement, noting that he expects to be “on the mend” for at least a few months. “I got this jerk-off from the insurance company snooping around, and I keep telling him, ‘Listen, buddy, if you don’t get off my case, I’m likely to re-aggravate my injury and be off the job even longer.’ I’d love to get back to work, but right now my lawyer says the best thing for me to do is take it easy and keep collecting those checks, so that’s exactly what Uncle Joe’s gonna do.” Biden added that while he’s been treating his injury with “a few cold ones, [he] could definitely use some Oxy to help put out the fire.”

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