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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Biden Lines Up Sweet Summer Gig Installing Above-Ground Swimming Pools

WASHINGTON—Saying he would “make a killing while catching rays,” Vice President Joe Biden confirmed Friday he had lined up a “totally sweet” summer gig installing above-ground pools around the D.C. metro area. “It’s gonna kick ass—three whole months of workin’ on my tan, crankin’ tunes on my boombox, and bird-doggin’ bored housewives,” said Biden, adding that his buddy Thomas “Lil’ Loco” Perez hooked him up with the plum job in which “you can totally get away with smoking up while on the clock.” “I don’t know dick about pools, but make no mistake, Uncle Joe can figure out that shit. They’ve got me in charge of my own crew, so I don’t really have to do jack. Plus, I can haul around all the pool junk in this rusty-ass, loud-as-fuck pickup truck I borrowed. It’s gonna be a bitchin’ summer.” Biden told reporters that he pulled a few strings to get paid under the table until he cleared up “some tax bullshit,” explaining that any wages on the books would be garnished by “those IRS fuckers.”

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