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Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
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Biden Lines Up Sweet Summer Gig Installing Above-Ground Swimming Pools

WASHINGTON—Saying he would “make a killing while catching rays,” Vice President Joe Biden confirmed Friday he had lined up a “totally sweet” summer gig installing above-ground pools around the D.C. metro area. “It’s gonna kick ass—three whole months of workin’ on my tan, crankin’ tunes on my boombox, and bird-doggin’ bored housewives,” said Biden, adding that his buddy Thomas “Lil’ Loco” Perez hooked him up with the plum job in which “you can totally get away with smoking up while on the clock.” “I don’t know dick about pools, but make no mistake, Uncle Joe can figure out that shit. They’ve got me in charge of my own crew, so I don’t really have to do jack. Plus, I can haul around all the pool junk in this rusty-ass, loud-as-fuck pickup truck I borrowed. It’s gonna be a bitchin’ summer.” Biden told reporters that he pulled a few strings to get paid under the table until he cleared up “some tax bullshit,” explaining that any wages on the books would be garnished by “those IRS fuckers.”

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