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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Biden Lines Up Sweet Summer Gig Installing Above-Ground Swimming Pools

WASHINGTON—Saying he would “make a killing while catching rays,” Vice President Joe Biden confirmed Friday he had lined up a “totally sweet” summer gig installing above-ground pools around the D.C. metro area. “It’s gonna kick ass—three whole months of workin’ on my tan, crankin’ tunes on my boombox, and bird-doggin’ bored housewives,” said Biden, adding that his buddy Thomas “Lil’ Loco” Perez hooked him up with the plum job in which “you can totally get away with smoking up while on the clock.” “I don’t know dick about pools, but make no mistake, Uncle Joe can figure out that shit. They’ve got me in charge of my own crew, so I don’t really have to do jack. Plus, I can haul around all the pool junk in this rusty-ass, loud-as-fuck pickup truck I borrowed. It’s gonna be a bitchin’ summer.” Biden told reporters that he pulled a few strings to get paid under the table until he cleared up “some tax bullshit,” explaining that any wages on the books would be garnished by “those IRS fuckers.”

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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