adBlockCheck

Politics

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
End Of Section
  • More News

The President Of Vice

GO TO FEATURE

Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

Vice President Joe Biden offers to give Elvira a personal tour of the Lincoln Bedroom that she’ll never forget.
Vice President Joe Biden offers to give Elvira a personal tour of the Lincoln Bedroom that she’ll never forget.

WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.

Biden, who first saw the buxom temptress in a tight, revealing black dress on a Los Angeles television station in 1982, said he immediately “got rock hard” and realized Elvira had the necessary assets to go “real far,” and made it his personal mission to find the Mistress of the Dark a plum position in D.C.

“Elvira’s hot to trot, so as soon as I was clued in to something opening up over at OPM, I got my main man [Inspector General Patrick E.] McFarland on the horn and called in a favor,” said Biden, explaining that McFarland owed him big-time after the six-term Delaware senator took one for the team and gave the agency’s acting director, Beth Cobert, a “wild ride” at a recent gala event. “They want her to take some bullshit technical aptitude test first, but I’ll snag all the answers beforehand, so she’s gonna ace it.”

“Besides, it ain’t rocket science,” Biden continued. “All she’s gotta do is show up to a few meetings in that little low-cut black number of hers and she’s golden.”

The vice president assured reporters that Elvira was more than qualified for the appointment, noting that the Mistress of the Dark had an impressive résumé of prior work experience that included starring roles in straight-to-VHS horror movies and Coors Light commercials, as well as appearances at numerous regional boat shows. Biden also conceded that the job mostly entailed “a bunch of pointless bureaucratic crap.”

Speaking at length about how Elvira had “kept the goods in mint condition,” the 72-year-old reportedly became visibly emotional while describing how the shapely horror host’s cleavage had captured the hearts and minds of a generation of Americans.

“I usually don’t go in for that spooky shit, but that vampire has quite the rack,” said Biden, adding that the dark-haired seductress has been a regular fixture in his “spank bank” for four decades. “Let’s just say I’ve made real good use of my copy of her Femme Fatales cover.”

“Back in the day, I used to check Celebrity Skin every single month to see if she was in there,” added the vice president.

Biden, who vowed to frequently check in with Elvira to ensure she received everything she desired, told reporters that the “uptight puds” down at OPM should be thanking Diamond Joe for recruiting such a stacked little honey to roam the halls of 1900 E Street.

“This is a real cushy position,” said Biden, adding that Elvira would probably just sit at a desk all day doing nothing but looking “smoking hot.” “If any of those bean counters hassle Elvira or make her do work, there will be hell to pay.”

“It should be a lot like my gig,” continued Biden. “All you really have to do is show up and they give you a paycheck each week.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close