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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

Vice President Joe Biden offers to give Elvira a personal tour of the Lincoln Bedroom that she’ll never forget.
Vice President Joe Biden offers to give Elvira a personal tour of the Lincoln Bedroom that she’ll never forget.

WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.

Biden, who first saw the buxom temptress in a tight, revealing black dress on a Los Angeles television station in 1982, said he immediately “got rock hard” and realized Elvira had the necessary assets to go “real far,” and made it his personal mission to find the Mistress of the Dark a plum position in D.C.

“Elvira’s hot to trot, so as soon as I was clued in to something opening up over at OPM, I got my main man [Inspector General Patrick E.] McFarland on the horn and called in a favor,” said Biden, explaining that McFarland owed him big-time after the six-term Delaware senator took one for the team and gave the agency’s acting director, Beth Cobert, a “wild ride” at a recent gala event. “They want her to take some bullshit technical aptitude test first, but I’ll snag all the answers beforehand, so she’s gonna ace it.”

“Besides, it ain’t rocket science,” Biden continued. “All she’s gotta do is show up to a few meetings in that little low-cut black number of hers and she’s golden.”

The vice president assured reporters that Elvira was more than qualified for the appointment, noting that the Mistress of the Dark had an impressive résumé of prior work experience that included starring roles in straight-to-VHS horror movies and Coors Light commercials, as well as appearances at numerous regional boat shows. Biden also conceded that the job mostly entailed “a bunch of pointless bureaucratic crap.”

Speaking at length about how Elvira had “kept the goods in mint condition,” the 72-year-old reportedly became visibly emotional while describing how the shapely horror host’s cleavage had captured the hearts and minds of a generation of Americans.

“I usually don’t go in for that spooky shit, but that vampire has quite the rack,” said Biden, adding that the dark-haired seductress has been a regular fixture in his “spank bank” for four decades. “Let’s just say I’ve made real good use of my copy of her Femme Fatales cover.”

“Back in the day, I used to check Celebrity Skin every single month to see if she was in there,” added the vice president.

Biden, who vowed to frequently check in with Elvira to ensure she received everything she desired, told reporters that the “uptight puds” down at OPM should be thanking Diamond Joe for recruiting such a stacked little honey to roam the halls of 1900 E Street.

“This is a real cushy position,” said Biden, adding that Elvira would probably just sit at a desk all day doing nothing but looking “smoking hot.” “If any of those bean counters hassle Elvira or make her do work, there will be hell to pay.”

“It should be a lot like my gig,” continued Biden. “All you really have to do is show up and they give you a paycheck each week.”

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