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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Biden Quietly Asks Obama To Pick Him Up Some Of Those Real Throwing Stars From Japan

WASHINGTON—Saying he didn’t want any “cheap-ass, dull ones,” Vice President Joe Biden quietly asked Barack Obama to pick him up some of those real throwing stars during his upcoming diplomatic visit to Japan, White House sources confirmed Friday. “Listen, Barry, I need the real deal, so when you’re over there next week, snag me a few super sharp ones crafted by a master throwing star maker,” said Biden, adding that he would prefer it if the president could find a few bladed throwing weapons that had “some cool Japanese shit written on them.” “The ones they hawk at the Oriental Imports kiosk in the mall are basically useless tinfoil junk. Believe me, I’ve whipped those fuckers as hard as I can, and they never stick to anything. They sure as shit ain’t sharp enough to pin some guy’s nutsack to a tree.” At press time, Biden was writing out a list for the president that included ninja climbing spikes, smoke bombs, and “some of that good tentacle erotica they got over there.”

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