Biden Receives Lifetime Ban From Dave & Buster's

Top Headlines


Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Biden Receives Lifetime Ban From Dave & Buster's

DALLAS—Following dozens of complaints from waitstaff and numerous incidents of property damage over the past 10 years, representatives from the Dave & Buster's corporation, a bar-restaurant chain offering a wide variety of arcade games, announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has been permanently banned from all 55 locations nationwide.

Biden refused to leave "without a fight," forcing staff to physically remove the 36-year Senate veteran.

The lifetime ban came after a heavily intoxicated Biden was forcibly ejected from a Bethesda, MD Dave & Buster's earlier this week for destroying a Whac-A-Mole game, which the vice president claimed had been "rigged." According to the ensuing police report, Biden became verbally abusive when asked to leave, calling several employees "a bunch of killjoy cocksuckers."

"We are saddened that such extreme measures had to be taken in regard to the vice president's recent behavior," said Dave & Buster's spokesman David Weldon, adding that posters with Biden's image on them have been distributed to all locations. "However, Mr. Biden has been given many, many chances to act in a responsible and respectful manner while enjoying the great food and fun that Dave & Buster's has to offer. Unfortunately, he has failed to do so time and again."

"In the interests of the safety and well-being of our patrons and staff, we must insist that the vice president never set foot in another Dave & Buster's ever again," Weldon continued.

The nation's second-in-command expressed his displeasure with Spin N Win's "bullshit" ticket payout system.

Though the scope and severity of the ban are unprecedented, Weldon said that several individual Dave & Buster's locations have previously expelled Biden for lengths ranging from six weeks to two years, with the first occurring in Dover, DE in 1990. According to records, Biden visited that location while campaigning for his fourth Senate term, and kicked over a Galaga arcade game after getting into a verbal altercation with a server over a $16 tab.

Bans from Dallas, Minneapolis, and Denver locations followed, with the most notable interdict coming in 2006 at the high-profile Dave & Buster's restaurant in Times Square. Sources said that Biden, attending the grand opening of the establishment, asked several waitresses if they wanted to "get a daisy chain going" and then placed two Skee-Balls down the front of his cutoff jeans.

After being confronted by a manager, Biden reportedly threw several air-hockey disks into the dining area as an ill-conceived distraction and was tackled by a security guard while running toward the exit.

"He was loud but basically not bothering anyone at first," said Miami Dave & Buster's manager Rick Perelson, who was forced to ban Biden from his restaurant in 2002—in part for physically ousting a 14-year-old from a Dance Dance Revolution arcade game. "That is, until he got really drunk and started telling other customers what they should order."

"And after what he did to the bathroom, I was really left with no choice," Perelson continued. "Just disgusting."

According to other Dave & Buster's employees, Biden has not historically respected the bans that have been placed on him. After he was barred from the Tempe, AZ location in 2007, the former senator would reportedly do burnouts in the parking lot with his Trans Am while waiting to pick up a waitress employed there at the time, a woman identified only as "Candi."

Though Biden's problems with the Dave & Buster's company appear to be unique among those who have held his office, he is not the first vice president to run afoul of a business. In a famous case in 1869, Schuyler Colfax was barred from entering any location of the Great Atlantic and Pacific Tea Company in the state of New York after a series of episodes involving the upending of pickle barrels.

And Spiro Agnew was told to "never set foot again" in the Children's National Medical Center of Washington following a 1971 incident.

Despite having described Dave & Buster's as his favorite restaurant dozens of times in the past, Biden is evidently unperturbed by the lifetime ban.

"The vice president wouldn't patronize that glorified Chuck E. Cheese's if it were the last place on earth," Biden aide Jim Tomlin told reporters at a press conference earlier today. "Who gives a crap about that stupid dump?"

"Besides, his 15-year ban from the Hustler Club is up next month, so it doesn't really matter anyway," Tomlin added.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close