adBlockCheck

Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
End Of Section
  • More News

The President Of Vice

GO TO FEATURE

Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87

The vice president says nothing, not even four years of increased prosperity, could touch “that badass summer of ’87.”
The vice president says nothing, not even four years of increased prosperity, could touch “that badass summer of ’87.”

CHARLOTTE, NC—Accepting his renomination at the Democratic National Convention on Thursday, Vice President Joe Biden countered recent Republican criticisms by asserting that most Americans were indeed better off than they were four years ago, but he acknowledged that life still paled in comparison to that one “killer fucking” summer in 1987.

Dressed in a slightly ripped Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt, Biden tapped the top of an Icehouse tallboy, cracked it open, and then informed the 20,000 people in attendance that while the economy is no longer hemorrhaging jobs as it was in 2008, nothing, “not even that little trip I took to Thailand in ’92,” could ever live up to the unforgettable months of June through August 1987, when “the skirts were short, the brews were cold, and you couldn’t walk 2 feet without stepping into some grade-A tang.”

“Things are definitely better today than back in ’08, but is this the summer of ’87? Not a fucking chance,” said Biden, reminiscing about his “prime seed-spreading days,” when he was a carefree 44-year-old senator cruising the Delaware boardwalks in acid-washed Jordache jeans and his pink Sonny Crockett blazer. “Oh, man, that summer was one hell of a ride. I’d take off the T-tops, pack a cooler full of happy juice, and drive down the strip blasting G N’ R.”

“And it seemed like every night ended with a little skinny-dipping with one of those hot-to-trot lifeguards,” continued Biden, making sure to reiterate that he was “tan from head to toe.” “Didn’t matter if they were legal or not. No one cared back then.”

Biden, who reportedly hitchhiked to the convention and almost didn’t make his speech on time because of some business he had to take care of in Greensboro, briefly touched upon how the economy had been moving in the right direction in recent months. However, he emphasized the nation would never see another string of weeks like the run in 1987 when he got “totally blitzed” on his buddy Blaze’s deck nearly every night, tore donuts in the Food Lion parking lot after hours, and scored some “primo” seats for Great White’s Once Bitten… Tour in Atlantic City.

In addition to the “all-night fiestas,” Biden noted that the summer also included a welcome share of mellow nights spent passing a few jays around a beach bonfire with some “real laid-back compadres.”

“The babes back then were a sight to behold,” said Biden, recalling one particular “fiery redheaded number” named Starla who “showed [him] a thing or two” about where to get hot and heavy on the beach without the cops noticing. “They were everywhere—rollerblading in their tight little frosted jean shorts and bikini tops, or kicking back beachside with Van Halen’s 5150 blasting on the boombox. And with my Trans Am purring, I had the pick of the litter.”

“You could almost see their panties getting soaked when I’d rev the V8,” Biden continued. “Drilled a few holes in the muffler to get that rumble that really gets their juices flowing. Wasn’t exactly street legal, but it got me down and dirty more times than I can count.”

While the vice president repeatedly referred to the summer of 1987 as “bitchin’” and “badass,” he admitted the period was not entirely without hardship. Explaining that everyone “played it real damn loose back then,” Biden said he had a brief HIV scare and things were definitely touch-and-go for a while.

Assuring delegates the incident blew over and it had been “smooth sailing” ever since, Biden informed the women in attendance that he was “100 percent clean and mean down there” and that they were all free to inspect for themselves.

“Nothing will ever match ’87, but that shouldn’t stop us from at least trying to relive some of that magic,” the vice president said before draining his third beer of the evening and tossing the crumpled can on the stage. “So if anyone out there wants to keep that spirit alive, I’m declaring it ladies’ night over at Rico’s Cantina on Caldwell, and the Cuervo’s on Uncle Joe.”

Added Biden, “God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”

More from this section

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close