adBlockCheck

Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire

Top Headlines

Recent News

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire

Vice President Biden says he is hoping to score “at least two or three grand” from the copper wire haul.
Vice President Biden says he is hoping to score “at least two or three grand” from the copper wire haul.

WASHINGTON—Calling it a “major-ass haul” that would provide “some much-needed scratch,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly scored over 800 feet of copper wire from a foreclosed home in the D.C. suburbs, White House sources confirmed Thursday.

Biden, who is admittedly “flat fucking broke” from throwing numerous “ragin’ keggers” over the last nine months, recently devised the plan to strip copper wiring around the Washington, D.C. area after hearing that there was a thriving black market for the ductile metal.

“There’s tons of dough in copper wire if you’ve got the know-how,” the vice president was overheard telling a White House official, explaining that he learned the hard way that swiping manhole covers wasn’t worth the hassle. “As Lady Luck always says, moving copper ain’t easy. But if you play the metal game right, you’re looking at something like a two- to three-grand payday for a night’s worth of work.”

“At this point, I’m just looking for a dealer who won’t dick me over,” Biden added. “It’s tough finding a trustworthy metal theft ring. Some of the guys in this biz can be real pieces of shit.”

While tearing down the walls of a vacated residence in Reston, VA earlier this week, the former six-term Delaware senator was reportedly stoked to discover a “goddamn goldmine” of “pure coil” after smashing a hole in the masonry barrier with a sledgehammer.

“When we were breaking into the basement window, I told my buddy Blaze that I had a damn good feeling about the joint,” Biden reportedly informed several colleagues on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. “One second, me and Blaze are covered in plaster dust from busting holes in drywall, and the next thing I know we’re celebrating our killer score of primo copper with a couple 40s of King Cobra.”

According to aides familiar with the vice president’s illicit activity, Biden and his partner Blaze have had marginal success stripping copper from buildings around the Capitol, often breaking into strip malls and construction sites at night to “gank” wire from the walls.

During one robbery the veteran politician had dubbed “Operation Diablo,” the vice president and Blaze waited until Congress went on a five-week hiatus before “hitting up” the Library of Congress, which Biden had observed “has a shit-ton of copper.”

Biden reportedly struggled to sell the copper wire stolen from the Library of Congress, blaming a series of critical setbacks that included a doomed alliance with Blaze’s “hothead” cousin Derek who ruined several “juicy” deals by making enemies at numerous scrap yards.

“Had a real tough time unloading it last time,” said Biden, referring to a “sketchy” deal in which negotiations broke down with a buyer at a Washington recycling plant. “Sure, sometimes Diamond Joe goes barking up the wrong tree. This one ballbuster tried to jerk me out of 300 smackers. Truth be told, a lot of these cheap bastards wouldn’t know a deal on quality wire if it was stomping on their nuts.”

“Almost sold some scrap metal to [House Minority Leader John] Boehner, though,” Biden added. “He didn’t bite, but I got a pretty good feeling I got him in the bag for next time around.”

Sources confirmed that until Biden can determine a more viable course of action, the vice president plans to stow his latest copper score in a rented storage unit outside Bethesda, which also houses his collection of vintage stag films and tanto knives.

Biden also announced plans to scale back operations with Blaze, who the 70-year-old public servant increasingly believes will double-cross him.

“Blaze can no longer be trusted,” said the vice president while covering copper tubing with a tarp, noting that Blaze’s plan to strip coil from the vice presidential residence during his first term left him without power for six weeks. “He wants to keep it in his shed, but I said no can do.”

“One minute we’re stripping grade-A orange from the National Museum of History, and the next, Blaze is hopping the border to Tennessee with [Secretary of Transportation] Ray [LaHood] and a truck full of my wire," Biden added. “From now on, Joe flips coil solo.”

At press time, Biden was reportedly encouraging President Barack Obama to get in on the action.

For more on Joe Biden, please purchase the vice president's new autobiography here

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close