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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

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Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

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President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire

Vice President Biden says he is hoping to score “at least two or three grand” from the copper wire haul.
Vice President Biden says he is hoping to score “at least two or three grand” from the copper wire haul.

WASHINGTON—Calling it a “major-ass haul” that would provide “some much-needed scratch,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly scored over 800 feet of copper wire from a foreclosed home in the D.C. suburbs, White House sources confirmed Thursday.

Biden, who is admittedly “flat fucking broke” from throwing numerous “ragin’ keggers” over the last nine months, recently devised the plan to strip copper wiring around the Washington, D.C. area after hearing that there was a thriving black market for the ductile metal.

“There’s tons of dough in copper wire if you’ve got the know-how,” the vice president was overheard telling a White House official, explaining that he learned the hard way that swiping manhole covers wasn’t worth the hassle. “As Lady Luck always says, moving copper ain’t easy. But if you play the metal game right, you’re looking at something like a two- to three-grand payday for a night’s worth of work.”

“At this point, I’m just looking for a dealer who won’t dick me over,” Biden added. “It’s tough finding a trustworthy metal theft ring. Some of the guys in this biz can be real pieces of shit.”

While tearing down the walls of a vacated residence in Reston, VA earlier this week, the former six-term Delaware senator was reportedly stoked to discover a “goddamn goldmine” of “pure coil” after smashing a hole in the masonry barrier with a sledgehammer.

“When we were breaking into the basement window, I told my buddy Blaze that I had a damn good feeling about the joint,” Biden reportedly informed several colleagues on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. “One second, me and Blaze are covered in plaster dust from busting holes in drywall, and the next thing I know we’re celebrating our killer score of primo copper with a couple 40s of King Cobra.”

According to aides familiar with the vice president’s illicit activity, Biden and his partner Blaze have had marginal success stripping copper from buildings around the Capitol, often breaking into strip malls and construction sites at night to “gank” wire from the walls.

During one robbery the veteran politician had dubbed “Operation Diablo,” the vice president and Blaze waited until Congress went on a five-week hiatus before “hitting up” the Library of Congress, which Biden had observed “has a shit-ton of copper.”

Biden reportedly struggled to sell the copper wire stolen from the Library of Congress, blaming a series of critical setbacks that included a doomed alliance with Blaze’s “hothead” cousin Derek who ruined several “juicy” deals by making enemies at numerous scrap yards.

“Had a real tough time unloading it last time,” said Biden, referring to a “sketchy” deal in which negotiations broke down with a buyer at a Washington recycling plant. “Sure, sometimes Diamond Joe goes barking up the wrong tree. This one ballbuster tried to jerk me out of 300 smackers. Truth be told, a lot of these cheap bastards wouldn’t know a deal on quality wire if it was stomping on their nuts.”

“Almost sold some scrap metal to [House Minority Leader John] Boehner, though,” Biden added. “He didn’t bite, but I got a pretty good feeling I got him in the bag for next time around.”

Sources confirmed that until Biden can determine a more viable course of action, the vice president plans to stow his latest copper score in a rented storage unit outside Bethesda, which also houses his collection of vintage stag films and tanto knives.

Biden also announced plans to scale back operations with Blaze, who the 70-year-old public servant increasingly believes will double-cross him.

“Blaze can no longer be trusted,” said the vice president while covering copper tubing with a tarp, noting that Blaze’s plan to strip coil from the vice presidential residence during his first term left him without power for six weeks. “He wants to keep it in his shed, but I said no can do.”

“One minute we’re stripping grade-A orange from the National Museum of History, and the next, Blaze is hopping the border to Tennessee with [Secretary of Transportation] Ray [LaHood] and a truck full of my wire," Biden added. “From now on, Joe flips coil solo.”

At press time, Biden was reportedly encouraging President Barack Obama to get in on the action.

For more on Joe Biden, please purchase the vice president's new autobiography here

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