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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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The President Of Vice

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Biden To Cool His Heels In Mexico For A While

Biden keeps a low profile in a cantina just over the border where people know him as "Lt. Johnny Jones."
Biden keeps a low profile in a cantina just over the border where people know him as "Lt. Johnny Jones."

JUÁREZ, MEXICO—In an effort to let the heat die down a little, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly skipped town Saturday, telling White House officials that he was going to be lying low in Mexico for a spell.

"I need to steer clear of D.C. until some shit blows over," said Biden, sitting in the far corner of a Mexican cantina with his back to the wall and taking a long swig from a bottle of Tecate Light. "It's nothing I can't handle, but let's just say there was a little misunderstanding. Somebody didn't get something they were supposed to get."

"And somebody else got a whole lot more than they bargained for," he added.

Biden, who contacted aides Monday from an undisclosed Mexican border town, said the situation was getting "pretty fucking dicey" up in Washington and that it was time for him to "take a little vacation" and get his head straight.

The vice president also suggested that an upcoming meeting with delegates from Israel and Palestine would be far more effective if the representatives were to convene in Mexico and enjoy some of the "dirt-cheap margies they got down here."

Biden, fresh off a big night at the jai alai courts, waits for his luck to come around in poker with lady friend Lexus.

"Things got pretty hairy there for a minute, but I been through rougher shit than this by a mile," said Biden, whose voice suddenly dropped to a whisper as he glanced over his shoulder at passing cantina-goers. "Plus, Raúl owes me big time, so he's letting me crash on his couch until I can figure out an angle on this. I just need to ride things out until the dust settles."

Sources in the Obama administration confirmed that the vice president advised staffers to play it cool if a couple of rugged-looking sonsofbitches come looking for Dynamite Joe, and urged officials to throw them off his trail by saying he was attending a conference on nonproliferation in Munich.

Biden also requested that all of his personal mail and national security updates be forwarded to the Muerto Perro Taberna in care of Paco.

Although Biden estimated that it could take up to four months to scare up the cash he needed, the former six-term Delaware senator said he would make the best of it, adding that there was a spicy little señorita he had been meaning to track down.

"It's been a few years since I've seen Maria," Biden said with a smile. "Wouldn't mind seeing if she can still stuff a piñata like she used to, if you know what I mean."

According to aides, Biden has reached out to President Obama and asked him to explain his sudden disappearance to his wife, Jill.

"Come on, Barry, you know how to talk to her," Biden was overheard saying into a payphone outside a local taqueria. "Jilly knew what she was getting into the day she married me, but brother, I don't think flowers are gonna cut it this time."

On Tuesday, the Senate received a postcard of topless women wearing green, red, and white bikini bottoms from Biden. A personal message apologized for his extended absence and provided contact information and instructions to call his buddy Blaze if they needed a tiebreaking vote.

"We're trying to get tax breaks for small businesses passed, and he pulls this again?" said Sen. Max Baucus (D-MT), who claimed a bald, ill-tempered truck driver named Cyrus has been interrupting congressional sessions all week looking for Biden. "I feel bad that they busted out the windows on his Trans Am, but we're all getting pretty tired of this. It seems like every few months we have to reschedule everything for him."

Biden, who said his initial plans are to just kick back for a few weeks and "catch some rays," claimed he was looking forward to taking in some of the local Mexican culture.

"I've been dying to hit Tijuana and check out a donkey show," Biden said. "I haven't seen one since Teddy [Kennedy] and the guys took me down there when I was a freshman senator."

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