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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial

Vice President Biden's 2009 attempt to jump the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool was not executed according to plan.
Vice President Biden's 2009 attempt to jump the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool was not executed according to plan.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor fallen American soldiers this Memorial Day with a fittingly "badass" tribute, Vice President Joe Biden has announced plans to jump a motorcycle over the entire length of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.

Biden, who called an emergency press conference at the White House Saturday, said members of the U.S. armed forces who sacrificed their lives in the service of their country deserved a death-defying stunt that involves clearing the 246-foot-long monument on a "souped-up" Harley-Davidson XR-750.

"There's no better way to pay homage to our fallen brothers than by letting it rip, hitting that ramp at full fucking blast, and flying through the sky high above the Vietnam Memorial," said Biden, noting that he also plans to execute a midair salute by placing his fingers around his mouth in a V shape and rapidly flicking his tongue. "If I grease the landing and ragdoll across the Constitution Gardens, so be it. I've had my share of spills."

The vice president in his custom-made leather racing suit.

"Ain't like I haven't broken a few bones or fractured my skull a couple times, either," the vice president added.

Biden told reporters he has spent all his free time over the past two weeks preparing for the perilous feat by tuning up his bike, overseeing construction of the plywood ramps, and personally installing a "bitchin'" sound system that will blast a to-be-determined John Mellencamp song from 20 different speakers during the jump.

The vice president said that to properly commemorate the bravery of America's fallen service members, he will also ride the motorcycle through a massive banner reading "All gave some, some gave all," which will be held in place by "a couple of hot numbers in bikinis" whom the vice president reportedly met during a recent trip to a D.C.-area Texas Roadhouse location.

After urging members of the media not to miss out because the performance is going to be "the shit," Biden spoke at length about modifications he has made to the bike to ensure he gets "big-time air."

"Get ready, hombres—I slapped a thousand cc's of muscle on this baby and they're gonna hear it roar from here to the Pentagon," the vice president said. "Plus I added an extra 80 horsepower with a sweet supercharger, 'cause if you're gonna honor our boys, you've gotta do it right."

"Even got a custom-built POW-MIA flag that will be flying from the back of my hog as I'm soaring overhead," Biden continued.

In response to numerous questions about the risk of injury, Biden assured the White House press corps that a safety crew equipped with fire extinguishers will be on hand to quickly douse any flames on his body in the event of a crash. The vice president also claimed that should an accident occur, he probably wouldn't feel anything, because he intended to get "fairly tanked" before performing the jump.

"Anyway, I'll have a helmet on, and of course I'll be wearing my star-spangled red, white, and blue leather jumpsuit," Biden said. "It zips down real low, and I plan to keep it open. The ladies can follow the treasure trail to a little patch action."

Although this is the vice president's most ambitious jump to date, in 2010 he honored the troops on Veteran's Day by vaulting over 14 tombstones at Arlington National Cemetery, but then "ate it" on the 15th grave, spending two weeks in a coma.

As of press time, the six-term Delaware senator was reportedly spotted popping wheelies and doing burnouts on the National Mall.

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