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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Biden Unleashes Torrent Of Vomit On Debate Stage

DANVILLE, KY—During his debate with Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) Thursday night, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly paused midway through a remark on Medicare vouchers, abruptly turned away from the table, and then clenched his stomach, spewing a copious stream of vomit onto the stage. “Hurrrrck, hurrrck, huhhhgluahh!” retched the doubled-over Biden, who dazedly wiped his mouth and eyes with a leather sleeve before regaining his composure. “Phew! Sorry, folks, just needed to shoot that out of the system. Guess those pancakes didn’t soak up the tequila as well as I thought. Feel great now, though.” Biden assured debate moderator Martha Raddatz that the incident was unusual and that he hadn’t “painted the floor like that in at least a month.”

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