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Biden Unleashes Torrent Of Vomit On Debate Stage

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.
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Biden Unleashes Torrent Of Vomit On Debate Stage

DANVILLE, KY—During his debate with Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) Thursday night, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly paused midway through a remark on Medicare vouchers, abruptly turned away from the table, and then clenched his stomach, spewing a copious stream of vomit onto the stage. “Hurrrrck, hurrrck, huhhhgluahh!” retched the doubled-over Biden, who dazedly wiped his mouth and eyes with a leather sleeve before regaining his composure. “Phew! Sorry, folks, just needed to shoot that out of the system. Guess those pancakes didn’t soak up the tequila as well as I thought. Feel great now, though.” Biden assured debate moderator Martha Raddatz that the incident was unusual and that he hadn’t “painted the floor like that in at least a month.”

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