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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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The President Of Vice

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Biden Urges Paul Ryan To Check Out Nude Scene From ‘Porky’s’ On Phone

‘Get A Load Of This’

WASHINGTON—Leaning toward the Speaker of the House during the State of the Union address and holding up the device, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly urged Paul Ryan to check out the nude shower scene from Porky’s on his smartphone Tuesday. “Hey Paul, you gotta get a load of this,” said Biden, who gestured for the GOP congressman to take a good look at the video clip from the 1981 sex comedy, the audio of which, sources confirmed, could be faintly heard beneath the sound of the president’s address. “Can you believe the rack on that one? That is a grade-A set of hooters right there. You can even see some bush. Man, they sure don’t make locker room scenes like this anymore.” At press time, Biden reportedly offered a bottle of Lubriderm to Ryan before proceeding to pump a large quantity of the lotion into his own palm.


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