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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Biden Urges Paul Ryan To Check Out Nude Scene From ‘Porky’s’ On Phone

‘Get A Load Of This’

WASHINGTON—Leaning toward the Speaker of the House during the State of the Union address and holding up the device, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly urged Paul Ryan to check out the nude shower scene from Porky’s on his smartphone Tuesday. “Hey Paul, you gotta get a load of this,” said Biden, who gestured for the GOP congressman to take a good look at the video clip from the 1981 sex comedy, the audio of which, sources confirmed, could be faintly heard beneath the sound of the president’s address. “Can you believe the rack on that one? That is a grade-A set of hooters right there. You can even see some bush. Man, they sure don’t make locker room scenes like this anymore.” At press time, Biden reportedly offered a bottle of Lubriderm to Ryan before proceeding to pump a large quantity of the lotion into his own palm.


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