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Biden Working His Way Through Scratch-Off Tickets During Obama's Swearing-In

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Biden Working His Way Through Scratch-Off Tickets During Obama's Swearing-In

WASHINGTON—As President Barack Obama recited the inaugural oath that will formally commence his second presidential term, onlookers confirmed Monday that Vice President Joe Biden was frantically working his way through a large pile of scratch-off lottery tickets. "Shit, no ringers yet, but once you get into that groove, Lady Luck rewards you with a hot payoff, and I'm gonna be right here when she does," said the vice president, taking an occasional swig from a brown-bagged tall boy of Keystone Ice before continuing to scrape at a long spool of scratchcards with a thumbnail. "I've got about a dozen of these Funky 5’s, and these bad boys can pay out 200 large with the bonus multiplier. I don't even bother with those lousy-ass one- and two-dollar ones. Casino Joe's hunting big game today." At press time, Obama had just concluded the swearing-in ceremony when sources reported Biden had jumped up from his seat and screamed “Fuck yeah!” before leaving the inauguration stage to redeem a "Free Ticket" win at a nearby gas station.

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