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Best Of March 2015

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Study: Not Many Disco Songs About Daytime

NEW YORK—In perhaps the most comprehensive analysis yet of the genre’s lyrical content, a Columbia University study published Friday found that very few disco songs have been written about daytime. The survey, which encompassed every known dis...

Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing

EVANSTON, IL—In the wake of a controversial video depicting two individuals in the fraternity’s University of Oklahoma chapter leading a racist chant, Sigma Alpha Epsilon officials instituted a new national policy Wednesday requiring all membe...
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Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business

Biden sells a dime bag of Super Lemon Haze at his favorite spot for moving buds.
Biden sells a dime bag of Super Lemon Haze at his favorite spot for moving buds.

WASHINGTON—Claiming that his operation would be “completely dicked over” by an influx of product, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly became increasingly worried this week that the recent legalization of marijuana in Washington, D.C. could seriously cut into his business.

Biden, who White House sources confirmed had significantly increased his annual marijuana sales after swiping a state-of-the-art hydroponics unit from a gardening supplies store back in 2012, expressed frustration at the possibility that legalizing the drug would wreak havoc on all of his investments.

“Aw, Christ, now everyone will be growing their own herb,” said a visibly upset Biden, adding that he was “raking it in” before D.C. voters approved “that horseshit” Marijuana Legalization Initiative in a ballot measure last November. “Don’t get me wrong, Uncle Joe is slinging the dankest nugs in town. But who’s going to call me up for an eighth of Purple Trainwreck if they can just grab some buds from their own homegrown stash?”

“Sure as shit no one’s hauling ass all the way to the Lincoln Memorial to meet up with me to score some cheeba anymore,” the vice president continued.

Biden stressed that his business had recently been running as “smooth as Tennessee trim,” becoming especially lucrative after he brought on his buddy Blaze to strong-arm a couple “rough and tumble” hombres who were muscling in on his turf.

“You can ask anyone on the Hill and they’ll tell you Uncle Joe is always good for a fat sack. I never short or skimp anyone. And my shit is never all seeds and stems like the bunk ditch weed that Mikulski hawks.”

The vice president was reportedly distraught over potentially losing his bread-and-butter customers in Georgetown, noting that students and professors bought a ton of Blackberry Kush. Indicating that drastic measures might be necessary to prevent his whole operation from going belly-up, Biden suggested that he would have to start peddling “doobage” in Baltimore at least five times a week.

“Listen, I don’t trust the government, but legalization is gonna cost me a huge chunk of change,” said the six-term Delaware senator, adding that all the marijuana seized by DEA agents goes straight into their own pipes. “And Ol’ Joe’s baby needs new red vinyl seats. Some stains last forever, if you catch my drift.”

According to longtime aides, the new law has the potential to be the largest setback to Biden’s marijuana enterprise since the vice president suspected First Lady Michelle Obama of “eating cheese to the Secret Service” in 2009, forcing the 72-year-old to uproot a potent strain of Sour Diesel growing in a neglected corner of the Rose Garden.

“Dynamite Joe had a nice little thing going for himself, and it’d be a damn shame for some stupid law to come along and fuck up the good times,” said Biden, who reportedly asked White House aides if President Obama could pull a few strings and make legalized cannabis go away. “You can ask anyone on the Hill and they’ll tell you Uncle Joe is always good for a fat sack. I never short or skimp anyone. And my shit is never all seeds and stems like the bunk ditch weed that Mikulski hawks.”

“Fucker’s bags are always light,” added Biden. “And that cheap-ass stuff just crashes you out.”

Despite the obstacles that marijuana legalization will present, Biden remained confident that his quarter pound of magic mushrooms would still bring in “serious green” for the foreseeable future.

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