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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Biden's eBay Feedback Rating Dips Below 35 Percent

WASHINGTON—A recent wave of negative bidder responses posted to Joe Biden's eBay account has for the first time dropped the vice president's already unfavorable feedback rating below the 35 percent mark. "Poor packaging, pages torn, and item routed through Tijuana and delayed more than four months!!!" read the angry feedback for VINTAGE CALENDAR OF BORIS VALLEJO EROTIC FANTASY ART, which was listed alongside items such as used kamikaze bandanas and bottles of pheromone cologne. "Seller refused to give me a refund and just said he’d give me partial credit if I wanted to buy a neon Stroh's sign. STAY AWAY!!!!" At press time, Biden’s feedback rating was approaching 25 percent as no one had received the 500-count box of tanning glasses they had ordered.

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