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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Biden's eBay Feedback Rating Dips Below 35 Percent

WASHINGTON—A recent wave of negative bidder responses posted to Joe Biden's eBay account has for the first time dropped the vice president's already unfavorable feedback rating below the 35 percent mark. "Poor packaging, pages torn, and item routed through Tijuana and delayed more than four months!!!" read the angry feedback for VINTAGE CALENDAR OF BORIS VALLEJO EROTIC FANTASY ART, which was listed alongside items such as used kamikaze bandanas and bottles of pheromone cologne. "Seller refused to give me a refund and just said he’d give me partial credit if I wanted to buy a neon Stroh's sign. STAY AWAY!!!!" At press time, Biden’s feedback rating was approaching 25 percent as no one had received the 500-count box of tanning glasses they had ordered.

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