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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Biden's Handlers Suggesting He Forget The Words 'Pink' And 'Stink' Altogether

WILMINGTON, DE—While attempting to prepare the vice president for tomorrow night’s debate against Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), Joe Biden’s staff members reportedly suggested he forget the words “pink” and “stink” altogether before taking the stage. “You know what, given the context of this particular debate and everything, I think maybe it’s best to avoid using the words ‘pink’ or ‘stink’ at all, and certainly never in the same sentence,” longtime Biden adviser Mike Donilon was overheard telling the 69-year-old politician during debate preparations this week, also reminding him to avoid any mention of “muffs,” “tang,” “cooze” and to definitely not do “the shocker” hand gesture while walking to the podium. “This is a very important night for us, Joe, and if you could try to stay on message as much as possible that would be, you know, ideal. Also, don’t do that thing where you smell your finger.” At press time, sources said Biden had assured Donilon he would do his best, but couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t “pop wood” at some point during the debate.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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