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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Biden's Handlers Suggesting He Forget The Words 'Pink' And 'Stink' Altogether

WILMINGTON, DE—While attempting to prepare the vice president for tomorrow night’s debate against Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), Joe Biden’s staff members reportedly suggested he forget the words “pink” and “stink” altogether before taking the stage. “You know what, given the context of this particular debate and everything, I think maybe it’s best to avoid using the words ‘pink’ or ‘stink’ at all, and certainly never in the same sentence,” longtime Biden adviser Mike Donilon was overheard telling the 69-year-old politician during debate preparations this week, also reminding him to avoid any mention of “muffs,” “tang,” “cooze” and to definitely not do “the shocker” hand gesture while walking to the podium. “This is a very important night for us, Joe, and if you could try to stay on message as much as possible that would be, you know, ideal. Also, don’t do that thing where you smell your finger.” At press time, sources said Biden had assured Donilon he would do his best, but couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t “pop wood” at some point during the debate.

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