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Big 12 Agrees To Annual Bowl Loss Against SEC

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Big 12 Agrees To Annual Bowl Loss Against SEC

IRVING, TX—Keeping with years of tradition of getting blown out in demoralizing defeats to its dominating competitor, the Big 12 Conference confirmed Monday it has agreed to a yearly bowl loss to the Southeastern Conference. "This is a proud day for the Big 12," said interim Big 12 commissioner Chuck Neinas, who acknowledged that the decision, like everything the conference has done in the past year, was forced on them by the SEC's pursuit for ever-increasing revenue and power. "Every New Years Day, a national television audience will get to enjoy an exciting matchup as the SEC champion thoroughly embarrasses the best remaining school in the Big 12 over the course of four agonizing quarters. For the dozen member institutions of the Big 12, it will be like the throbbing pain of their New Year's hangover never ended." According to the bowl agreement, if the SEC champion is playing for the national championship in a given year, the school at the bottom of the SEC standings will take their place in order to make the Big 12's loss all the more humiliating.

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