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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Big Brown Continues Three-Year Media Silence

NEW YORK—Following a Tuesday morning workout in preparation for the upcoming Belmont Stakes, three-year-old thoroughbred Big Brown maintained his three-year media silence by trotting past reporters and ignoring questions regarding the health of his hoof, changes to his training regimen, and his reasons for firing his longtime agent James "Bus" Cook. "Big Brown is an intensely private athlete who prefers to lets his actions dictate his legacy rather than his words," said agent Drew Rosenhaus, whom the undefeated thoroughbred hired on May 24. "Reporters are always trying to second-guess him, but this is one individual who is dedicated to his sport. He may not speak to you, but Big Brown is always telling me how thankful he is for the opportunities he's been given." Neither Big Brown nor Rosenhaus would comment on whether or not Brown had in fact been shopping with Hillary Swank in an upscale SoHo boutique Saturday.

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